I continue the initial trauma of emotional abuse in the workplace:
17. After one year into this new restructure, poorly managed and implemented, I met with the manager. During this meeting, I attempted to express my concerns, including the accusation regarding my friend and our colleague, and the PRP process.
I also told her (to my regret) that I was suffering from suppressed grief and trauma, which was compounded by the difficult workplace situation. However, after I had raised my first concern, the manager replied “we talked about this”, making this statement repeatedly, while I attempted to express my concerns. She became defensive, cut me off and deflected the issue raised, in unjustified and irrelevant criticism towards me. It was soul destroying.
It is this repeated pattern of behaviour that makes it impossible to communicate with such personalities. It was not only that this manager became defensive, I was now accused and labeled as “self-absorbed”. I think it’s time my colleagues learn the truth and provide their own thoughts on that (with one exception, given I wasn’t just bullied down, I was bullied up too). Refer to the previous posts, and ones to come, about the goal post constantly being moved, the amount of work I tried to manage, while being suffocated, micromanaged and my own authority constantly undermined in my attempts to lead, manage and support my team.
Read the post http://mystory-myvoice.blogspot.com/2024/07/organisational-culture-ethics.html regarding the response when I finally snapped and said “you’re my problem”, one mid-winter morning, because my health had taken a nose dive. No matter how reasonable and diplomatic one tries to be with such personality types, it’s impossible to reason and communicate with them. A person finds themselves constantly hyper vigilant and walking on eggshells. It was too much, especially the intrusion when trying to take care of my own health and that intrusion also being extended to my family. I had the same entitlements to take care of my health and wellbeing (as per WHS and work-life balance policies) and sometimes, be there for my family. They were my priorities first and foremost, if that’s what was meant by the traumatic label of “self-absorbed”. At that time, I had no idea where this came from. But given the malicious gossip, fake news being circulated, where I have already mentioned examples in the two previous parts on bullying, discrimination and harassment, then I could only speculate it had something to do with that, at this time.
http://mystory-myvoice.blogspot.com/2024/07/bullying-discrimination-and-harassment.html
http://mystory-myvoice.blogspot.com/2024/07/part-2-bullying-discrimination-and.html
I tried, in this meeting, in January 2018, to resolve those misunderstandings. I wasn’t given the air time to communicate the truth.
I left this meeting feeling extremely upset and distressed. I had a list of points that I wanted to raise as I reflected on the first year of the restructure. I remember we sat in the shadeola outside the library. Needless to say, I gave up, tore the paper later that day, and hoped 2018 would be better, it's possibly just restructure teething issues.
Things didn’t get better. They got worse, and worse, and finally progressed into a creepy psychological thriller. That piece of paper I tore up is now document 17 in my records (of over 600 records).
I will now share, in this post, what I tried to respectfully convey, that day. IMPOSSIBLE.
This was my attempt to discuss the following concerns with the manager, upon reflection of the first year of the restructure. As soon as I started to address these, I was cut off with “Vicki, we’ve talked about this.” No, she talked. I was never given an opportunity to respond. I was cut off every time. All I wanted to do in meetings was escape from inappropriate comments that were insulting, hurtful and irrelevant. Comments made that violated my privacy (and others in my team). It was unethical.
Regardless, only a few minutes into trying to raise these issues, I gave up. It turned into the same stressful meeting that would have me in tears. Something I expressed alone, later. In isolation. The issues I tried to raise and resolve:
• I kept repeatedly being told, “You knew what you signed up for.” Incorrect. How was that possible when even library executives were debating the new role, because of differing views of what the role entailed? It was vague, without clear expectations and no guidance. I didn’t sign up to compromise my values and what I felt in myself was the right and wrong approach to a situation.
• I tried to raise the issue of the ethical dilemma I was put in regarding a team member’s personal health. I didn’t know the details (nor was it my place to interrogate - a distressing moral crisis for me to be bullied to do this). I felt coerced to come down hard on a staff member because she didn’t organise to have surgery in her break rather than when the doctor scheduled it. This brought back my own trauma of what the manager did the morning after the worst night of my life. My dad’s suicide. That happened in the month of February too, prior to semester one, more on that personal shock in another post (it was all about the repeated phrase she would approach whichever staff was vulnerable, or their family members, for that matter - the “obligation to the university” and personal crises or traumas we had to manage “affected our work”). I repeat from my premise: Narcissism and indifference. It was also NOT my business to know what staff do with their income, if they have private health insurance, etc. I was horrified! I couldn’t work out what was expected of me, but I was NOT going against duty of care.
• People must learn to respect that everyone’s grief and trauma is different and healing happens in different ways for individuals. I will tell my own personal story in later posts. What some of us, in this directorate, experienced, at times of personal tragedy and sudden loss, was immoral and inhumane. It was definitely against the organisation’s mission and values.
My health began to suffer from the stress and pressure. No matter what I tried to say, there was a counter-argument.
• By May 2017, only five months into this restructure, I was seriously burning out, putting my health and wellness aside to meet all the demands, expectations and obligations of the university (according to this manager). All the urgent emails, liaising and meetings, performance reviews and process for these for the first time and on top of it all, researchers’ impact reports with a steep learning curve there too, trying to meet my responsibilities, the phone constantly ringing from this manager, the vague expectations and not left alone, with a realistic and clearly identified workload, to do my job. I did my best and that was all I could do.
I wasn’t even thinking about my holiday to Italy, and didn’t pack until 5am the day I left.
• In July, a month or so after my return, the SL, who bullied up, had a go at me because of the number of edits on her performance review. That she also had a go at me regarding someone else’s review, comparing it to her own, was even more shocking. How did she know about someone else’s confidential review? (I wanted to ask the manager in this meeting, but I never got passed the first couple of points, which were not addressed either. The defensiveness and deflection went into full swing. As I said, it is impossible and you leave such meetings worse in your health, with no respectful resolution).
I was waiting for the SL to finish (having a go at me, that is). There were important reasons for the revisions. They were necessary edits. Given this added to an already stressful and heavy workload I had, and with the constant unwillingness from the SL to listen and cooperate, I honestly didn’t want to be spending so much time with this either. I had enough to do, and could have done without multiple revisions to turn, what I’ll plainly confess was a dog’s breakfast, into something that was professional. I tried to help her highlight her achievements. Again, impossible and very disrespectful, with a complete lack of gratitude. The workload created here, that took so much of my time, along with the unmanageable behaviour, was a big factor that took a toll on my health. I was doing so much work for this SL’s benefit and I was being attacked for it.
I was being bullied to give credit where credit had not been earned. But when this individual said “all you cared about was your trip”, I had to end our meeting, go somewhere on my own, to burst into tears. I made a spontaneous decision one day in February of 2017, after another day of constant bullying and abuse, to book airfares from Sydney to Florence. I’m not a spontaneous person. This was not me. I’m a planner. But please, dear readers. Go back and re-read point 12 in Part One of this series of posts. Remind yourselves of what I was going through internally, that I couldn’t escape from, despite physically running away to the other side of the world. Running away from constant abuse and humiliation that I was experiencing in my life in Sydney. And this was only the beginning.
That remark was uncalled for, and really upsetting. I shouldn’t have to justify myself, but here I go, why, on top of the other insults, this was bad. It was seven years before this “trip” (that was all I apparently cared about), I had gone to Spain. That trip was overshadowed by my father taking his life three days after I got home. Furthermore, it was no one’s business what I do with my annual leave. I had never said anything about this individual’s overseas holidays every year - that was her right. They were her accrued leave entitlements. It was greater than a double standard. It was bullying, discrimination and harassment.
Read my premise and first blog post again, to understand this disease called indifference coupled with narcissism. Where is human kindness, respect, dignity and just plainly treating others how you want to be treated?
• There was no hope of ever reaching my last point, to discuss the malicious gossip directed at me about my friend and colleague working in another unit. Gossip and malicious rumours are destructive and soul destroying. Accusations based on unproven gossip has made me distrusting and protective of my boundaries.
To be continued…
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