Kindness matters - Treat others as you want to be treated

We must work together to bring back kindness and understanding within our own society. 

I believe it’s simple to be kind, but what some of us find easy, many find really hard. And for me, it feels like the kinder you are, the more you suffer and are taken for granted. 

In the last few years, the amount of toxic behaviour I encountered in our society, came as a shock. It felt like no amount of kindness could combat cruelty in this world. I was losing my faith in humanity. There were times when I experienced serious helplessness and fear from layers of abuse directed at me, concurrently. All that remained in me was faith and prayer. I’m not here to proselytise, and faith is a personal experience. But through all this suffering, my faith became stronger. I had nowhere else to turn. 

The whole experience of these last few years felt creepy and surreal. Was I in combat with certain individuals or people at work or corrupt and failed “systems” and organisations in this society, or was it something greater? Was it a pandemic of narcissism and indifference exposing the worst behaviour in humanity? Where was all this creepy unjust abuse coming from? And why? 

It takes courage to battle narcissism and indifference with a goal of restoring kindness and peace once more, in how we treat each other. Our society excuses bad behaviour and encourages egocentrism, to the point where fellow humans are treated like a disposable commodity, used and abused, especially in relationships. 

It takes courage and vulnerability to attempt to recalibrate things back toward kindness. As an empath, I can be like a sponge, absorbing the negative energy of hostility, contempt and micro aggressions around me or directed at me. It’s toxic and it makes a porous empath sick. 

It takes cooperation and a decision from each one of us, to be kind, respectful and considerate of each other’s needs. To reassure there is no danger, there is safety. It’s unacceptable to take away another person’s human rights. When a person violates the boundaries of another, the anger it causes is justified. We all have a right to express our emotions that certain actions or words arouse, without fear of judgement or emotional abuse. 

My story has vulnerability and brokenness, as do every one of us. Brené Brown said people secretly have these qualities, but we place on each other unfair expectations to mask, hide and suppress our true selves and emotions. We’ve seen the outcome of suppressing our true humanity and the negative consequences it has in society. It causes illness, disease, sudden outbursts leading to hate, judgement, violence and death. And the vicious cycle continues. Where and when does it end? 

This suffering has been a journey for me, searching for the answers to my questions, to understand my own pain in this seemingly self-centred and indifferent world. The answer was simple but to understand its simplicity, perhaps I had to go through this journey. Sometimes it was dangerous and frightening, sometimes hopeful and enlightening. Perhaps I had to go through it to understand. We all do, if we have the courage and are open to it.

Moments of struggle shape who we are. That happens when we go through adversity and we’re not being shielded from pain. From this struggle comes courage and hope. I’ve spent a lifetime hoping for peace, joy, love, to be treated with respect and dignity by men, and to have my own family. Family was important to me. I grew up valuing family. But I don’t believe our society values this anymore, and excuses men’s behaviour more than we care to realise. It’s another reason I’m alone and frightened. And terribly wounded and scarred. What made it worse, my personal life was also violated by the manager. My personal grief, hurt, traumas and fears became yet another topic of entertaining malicious gossip. Emotional abuse on top of emotional abuse. And here I am, sharing how all of it made me feel, because it’s time I had my say, on what has been everyone else’s “opinions” on my life. I’m the only one who was denied my right to have a say on matters pertaining to my life : health, career, relationships, family, who I am. 

I’ve tried searching for answers to why so much pain in my life, like I’m fighting battles that keep going nowhere. What I hoped for was simple, but I pray for a miracle, because in this life, that’s what it’s become. I fought for better days ahead, but it’s like hurdles and evil intentions repeatedly get in the way. 

We all have weaknesses, we all have times when we feel vulnerable. But how we treat others, the pain we inflict on others, the trauma and scars, to then excuse it because we’ve suffered as though others have not, that is a choice. We choose to either be kind or be selfish or be abusive or spread gossip or deny another person their rights as long as our own are enforced and our needs are met. Narcissism, indifference, ignorance, arrogance, irrational anger and ego are examples of weakness. Weaknesses like this destroy lives.

These past few years, I’ve had so much fear instilled in me, with too many people refusing to listen and be reasonable. I’ve had “tongue lashings” inflict serious injury on me. Respect, kindness and listening have been devalued in our society. In the case of relationships, many men behave in ways that devalue women. The reality is, men’s emotionally abusive behaviour towards women is still being excused, more than many of us realise. And it’s wrong. 

According to Mensline, anger is a basic human emotion and feeling angry is OK. It is the response to and expression of anger that can cause problems. Expressing anger in abusive or negative ways is unacceptable. It’s important to learn how to manage anger in a way that acknowledges the feeling while not harming anyone else. Anger that leads to shaming, cruel words, yelling, contempt and then stonewalling are examples of emotional abuse. They cause harm. There’s nothing courageous in that.

The Australian government’s Health Direct website reiterates my own ideas on this issue. Basically, don’t jump to conclusions. Speaking with the other person, to understand a situation, is so important. Emotional abuse has devastating effects on health and wellbeing. It leads to difficulty with trust and relationships and can also cause physical health problems, like high blood pressure. 

The following suggestions from Mensline are so important. If you realise that you’ve been emotionally abusing someone, I implore you to take steps to change this behaviour. 

• The greatest act of courage is acknowledging this behaviour to begin with. Take responsibility for your actions and understand the harm these actions have caused.

• Making a conscious effort to communicate in a way that is respectful and non-threatening is paramount. It includes active listening, compromise and problem-solving. 

• Forgiveness. If we want to be treated with kindness and respect, we must place huge commitment and value in forgiveness. Because we’re all human and we’re all broken and vulnerable. Let’s not suppress our humanity. That’s a great strategy to win the battle against narcissism and indifference.

I’ve been reading a book by Fr. Ivan Petrine, a commentary on the Beatitudes. He said, “If you live a self-centred life, you are going to suffer less; you can surround yourself with a wall of egoism…” (p.108), but for how long will this supposed lack of suffering last? What about those left suffering the carnage caused by this egoism? Fr. Petrine goes on to say, “Of course, one can choose to live that way. But in doing so, you would deprive yourself of the profound joy of loving…of giving life, of seeing that reality can change with your contribution. In other words, you may suffer less, but you will also enjoy less, love less, and experience the sadness that egoists suffer sooner or later in life.” (p.109, in Petrine, I. (2018), The Good sense of Jesus: A commentary on the Beatitudes. Charlotte, NC: TAN books).

Wise words. 

Kindness matters. Treat others as you want (and expect) to be treated. It’s that simple.