Finally, the last part of the initial complaint. This was horrible enough. The thriller to come was at a whole new surreal level. And all I asked for was a safe work environment:
28. In March, 2019, we were informed by email that one of our colleagues in another unit, had suddenly passed away. It was a shock. He was a young man. Given my personal experience of suicide, I was hoping it wasn’t this. He was a son, brother, friend and colleague. Staff on campus were gathering in the student centre, for support. The manager told me to go there, but later criticised me for not searching for one of our colleagues, who ran out of the library in a state of shock. She was good friends with this young man and they had studied together. Firstly, I actually did look in every room I could find on the way to the student centre. Secondly, the campus minister kept calling my colleague’s mobile. Thirdly, my two other colleagues did go searching. Since the other two colleagues were already searching further across campus, exactly what did the manager expect from me? It was hard enough to know that we lost yet another beautiful person to this crisis and here she was messing with my head. How could I not feel distressed, when the manager targeted me in times of my own trauma trigger?
29. In April that year, I commenced a two-month secondment at another campus. The manager didn’t always understand the amount of work involved in projects, like compiling research impact reports or putting together the online resources for higher degree research students. Wherever I went, the manager’s micromanagement followed, suffocating and harassing me. The insults went further, as gratitude for the projects I initiated, namely, the one for higher degree research students. I witnessed the struggle they experienced with research, reference and data management tools and other skills, as they progressed through their doctorate degrees. Seriously, readers, to inform my counterpart on this campus, that I must spend half a day a week on this project, as though I had no concept of time management and delivering my work by a realistic deadline, it was disgraceful and disrespectful. I thank my colleague for ignoring this bs. This manager, who was the cause of all this mess, dared to now insult me on time management on a project I was passionate about? Did she not know me for 18 years?
I noticed, while on this campus, that my colleagues who were on a certain faculty working group, didn’t always understand instructions or information emailed to them by this manager. She was the facilitator. I let her know, and the reply was, “I can’t understand why”. Perhaps asking those that reported to her, for honest feedback, was a way to understand why.
30. During those couple of months, I observed how this unit, this sub-culture, functioned. Even though I was sent there under demeaning circumstances, I was grateful for a chance to get to know my colleagues better. Much communication is lost via technology. It’s necessary in the way we work, but human interaction is still the best mode for enhancing interpersonal relations. There needs to be a element of this, even if initially, for rapport building. It could even be a small win in defeating the disease of indifference. Having conversations with the team, I was sad (but not surprised) to learn of issues some had with members of my team. Refer to part 3 of this complaint of my own, and how difficult it was for me to manage the unmanageable (caused mostly by the manager, who dared to call that behaviour a “strong” personality. Defiance, disrespect and bullying is not “strong”. How some justify the unjustifiable). Everyone has a right to feel respected and valued in the workplace, with opportunities to contribute to the team. Had there been autonomy, flexibility and breathing space to do my job, I would work with my fellow SLCs, to provide opportunities to contribute as part of a cohesive team.
31. Just before finishing the secondment, we had an online working group meeting. The previous meeting had taken place over three months before, and by now, I was cognitively overloaded, overworked, severely bullied, discriminated and harassed, and to put it plainly, really pissed off at a manager who obviously respected nothing of my work for the last 18 years. There was an action for me in the minutes, the wording was confusing, so I wasn’t sure what this action was referring to. Whatever action it was, in front of my colleagues, the manager chose to humiliate me, asking if I could have it done before I go on leave. Never mind finalising a research impact report and HDR project, with two days left to do so.
But then the undermining continued as she asked two of my colleagues to do it instead. Guess what, everyone? I had already actioned this item, the day after the previous meeting that took place three months before! Other colleagues had remembered that this was already done, because I was on the cusp of burn out and trauma from so much toxic and psychological abuse. I WAS burnt out! My gratitude to a colleague who went back and retrieved that email with the attachment. I circulated it right then and there to all.
I was angry. When the meeting ended, I went outside for fresh air, as my colleague, who retrieved the actioned item said “That was an attack!” and told the other staff what happened. Two colleagues at this campus witnessed this. It was very obvious how I was being treated. I tried to raise this inappropriate behaviour in the meeting on 1st July 2019, but the manager got defensive and continued to “should” me. No apology, no remorse. Just continued attack. I actually avoided her calls the day after that meeting, my last day at the other campus, because that manager depended on me for the quality of my work but didn’t hesitate to treat me in such a patronising & demeaning way. I put it down to insecurity. But I suffered greatly from those who were truly unfit to manage.
32. On 1 July 2019, I returned to my substantive position. Yet again, from day one, another creepy meeting with the manager and the one up. They didn’t even bother to inform me they had organised a meeting. It was a ping on our shared calendar. I had only been back for two hours that morning. But now I was really demoralised, burnt out and pissed off.
So here we go, the day before I snapped. During this meeting, the manager criticised my Library Engagement Data. I was greatly offended that this manager used LED statistics as some form of competition to show others were doing more than me. I finally couldn’t tolerate anymore. I always feared this data would be misused and it was proven in that meeting. Considering management is more about quality than quantity and only a portion of my time was engaging with clients in the Schools assigned to me, I was so angry to be targeted like this, having the goal post constantly moved and be expected to do two full time jobs for the price of one!
Constant criticism, not constructive feedback, mostly trivial complaints and usually so vague. I would ask questions to clarify and the manager had no idea how to reply. Then why was it even brought up? The more she pushed with vague and unrealistic expectations, obviously the less I could function in my work.
In this meeting, I was still trying to understand how the manager defined “content creation”. How could I be criticised about something where I had not received clarity, to understand? By now, I had also reached my limit with the “strong” personality, worn out from trivial “second hand” whinging to the manager, bypassing me who was her manager. My manager needed to be professional and let me manage my team. I worked in an open office and there were online meetings to participate in. The “strong” personality sat behind me, and was very loud, when I was about to unmute my mic to speak. I turned around and just made a gesture to be quiet. No shooshing sound, a polite gesture to impolite chatting. “It wasn’t nice to shoosh someone”, the manager said to me on 1st July.
Aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!
She had driven me insane. I made no shooshing sound, but I assume I’m expected to work and present in an online meeting with inconsiderate noise distracting me, be focused, not make mistakes, not go crazy and be productive. Is it fair? That member of my team never came to me with her complaint. Why? I was not tolerating my authority being constantly undermined anymore.
33. And so we come to that morning on 2 July 2019. I was seriously suffering from distress and extreme fatigue. I called the staff campus minister and told her I was unable to continue working with this manager under such toxic conditions. I had kept quiet about it and tolerated it for a long time, hoping it would get better, but it took a massive toll on my health. At 7:30am that morning, after crying profusely all night, frightened about my fate, given the reality of unethical governance and serious misconduct and gross negligence of senior executive leaders, I walked in looking like I was bashed. I was emotionally bashed, and I was going to be emotionally bashed a great deal more. It was the only area of my life that was secure and stable. And I was really scared. This manager destroyed my health, wellbeing, safety and stability. Hence I finally said, “You’re my problem”, to which the reply was, “This is bullying, I’m human too.” Textbook narcissism. And everyone must think I’m an alien. Not human.
This was, therefore, a classic case of workplace bullying. What I needed to do my job were clear and realistic expectations and workload, support, respect, dignity as per organisational mission, and to be trusted to do my job with the autonomy and flexibility to apply the style I am naturally aligned to. Most importantly, I needed two-way communication, including active listening.
Whatever this “expectation” was, it was not my management style and it was never good management practice anyway. It was discrimination, harassment, bullying and against WHS law. My morale and health was affected by the manager. That, in turn, was what affected my work. Nothing else, other than poor management practices especially from executives who then neglected to manage the issue professionally, respectfully and efficiently, as per policies. They chose aggression and offences punishable by law.
My own dad, my observant and wise father, had worried this would happen. He worried I would add value and increase the profile through my work, that was of great benefit to the manager, and I would suffer the consequences for it in the end. The disrespect and violation of the mission, staff code of conduct, ethics, compliance of regulations and laws, offences and poor governance, lies elsewhere.
It took years of systemic abuse and greater trauma to finally be heard and for my volume of evidence to be used to conduct an investigation. This complaint was only the beginning of what is nothing less than psychological violence.
Can I get a respectful and transparent update, SafeWork NSW and SIRA NSW?
In memory of my dad, I was never going to give up the good fight. It’s time for real systemic reform and to challenge the status quo.
Shallcross, L., Ramsay, S., & Barker, M. (2011) ‘The power of malicious gossip’. Australian Journal of Communication, 38(1), pp. 45-68. https://eprints.qut.edu.au/50755/
Lufkin, B. (2022, 21 May). ‘The quiet threat of ‘covert’ narcissists in the workplace.’ BBC. Online: https://bbc.com/worklife/article/20220518-the-quiet-threat-of-covert-narcissists-in-the-workplace
In memory of Daniel - a legacy of kindness and compassion:
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