“When I look at narcissism through the vulnerability lens, I see the shame-based fear of being ordinary. I see the fear of never feeling extraordinary enough to be noticed, to be lovable, to belong, or to cultivate a sense of purpose.” ―
I don’t want to go into what I’ve heard Brené Brown call “childhood shit” in a TED Talk. My childhood was generally good, but one can’t ignore the shadow that narcissism casts over an empathic child.
My earliest memories of narcissism and gaslighting were around the age of five. Of course, in my childhood years, I had no idea that what I was experiencing was gaslighting and the passive aggressive behaviour of a covert narcissist.
I’ve briefly mentioned this relative in previous posts about what she did (and said), only two days after my dad’s suicide (Eg. see paragraphs 5-7 in the post From the day after the tragedy).
Given the young age of the person who displayed narcissistic characteristics, I was curious to find out if they’re inborn. I used ChatGPT to ask the question.
It isn’t a topic I want to spend time researching. I copied and pasted the answers to my three questions below. I know the app. searches the web to compile an answer, but I also noticed that there are no references cited. Perhaps that’s my teaching, learning, academic research and professional training coming through. I’m sure there’s been much debate about AI in universities. But I’m too busy trying to save my life, livelihood, career, and assets from grossly negligent regulators and the NSW Chris Minns government in office, to remain current in my own professional development.
Here are the questions, the answers I received and my reflections, based on my childhood memories.
Question: Is narcissism inborn?
Answer: No, someone is not born a narcissist in the clinical sense. Narcissistic traits or Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) develop over time through a combination of genetic, psychological, and environmental factors. Here’s a breakdown:
1. Genetic predisposition
There may be a hereditary component—some people might be more temperamentally sensitive, emotionally reactive, or inclined toward traits like extroversion or low empathy. But these are risk factors, not guarantees.
2. Early childhood experiences
This is the most influential factor. NPD is often associated with:
• Excessive pampering or excessive criticism
• Neglect, abuse, or inconsistent parenting
• Parents who are overly focused on achievements, appearance, or status
• Lack of secure emotional attachment or validation
3. Social and cultural influences
A culture that emphasises competition, material success, or superficial appearances may encourage narcissistic tendencies, especially if reinforced during formative years.
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Summary:
While temperament might be partly inherited, narcissism is largely shaped, not inborn. It’s a response to environment and early life dynamics, not a predetermined trait at birth.
Reflection: that’s very interesting. The family dynamics showed inconsistent parenting, emotional neglect, lack of secure emotional attachment or validation. My uncle worked hard in the milk bar / take away food shop business he owned. When we look at the basic needs required for a child, there was shelter, clothing, food, school supplies etc. What was missing was fatherly love and affection. My uncle lacked empathy and was emotionally detached.
What was worse, the love and affection his own children needed, were directed elsewhere (he wasn’t having an affair or had other children of his own with someone else). I won’t delve into this personal memory, but I will say this. Despite my anger and trauma with what my cousin put me through growing up, what harmed both our families, albeit in different ways, was a common denominator: a sociopathic and manipulative aunt.
Her father was emotionally detached when it came to expressing love toward his children. My father was not emotionally detached. Had my immediate family been left alone as I was growing up, with no manipulative interference from his sociopathic relative (among others tied to her in this behaviour), we were fine. That’s why, my cousin’s behaviour and cruel words only two days after my dad’s suicide, was not only disrespectful, it was inhumane. A covert narcissist preying on people in their most vulnerable moments. My manager, as described in my blog posts, was another prime example of that toxic behaviour.
As for the inconsistent parenting, her mother’s side of the family had huge egos. Achievements, appearance and status became an obsession that was likely caused by insecurities, fed by being surrounded constantly by huge egos and arrogance. It was all about checking the right boxes, even when it came to finding someone to form a marriage partnership. The right “external” boxes.
It was a recipe for burning bridges, destroying relationships and using words to discourage others from pursuing their own goals, as I came to be on the receiving end of such behaviour and words of discouragement in my life, growing up. Whether it came from a place of jealousy, insecurity or unhealthy competitiveness, I’m not sure. I think it was a combination of all these factors.
I may be stubborn and determined, but the truth is, as a child, you need to be protected until you’re not as impressionable, believing abusive lies. I wasn’t protected, because narcissism and gaslighting are not easily seen and identifiable. For a child trying to communicate this experience, including how it makes them feel, it’s difficult to articulate. I suffered in silence.
Question: What is a covert narcissist?
Answer: A covert narcissist is someone who has narcissistic traits but expresses them in subtle, insecure, or self-effacing ways, rather than through arrogance or overt grandiosity.
Key Characteristics of Covert Narcissism:
Hypersensitivity to criticism - Easily hurt or offended, especially by perceived slights or rejection.
Insecurity and low self-esteem - Craves validation but may appear self-doubting.
Passive-aggressiveness - Expresses frustration or entitlement indirectly (e.g. sulking, sarcasm, guilt-tripping).
Emotional fragility - Often feels misunderstood, anxious, or depressed.
Envy and resentment - May secretly feel superior but also jealous of others’ success or attention.
Victim mentality - Often presents themselves as wounded, overlooked, or underappreciated.
Grandiosity in fantasy - May believe they are special or destined for greatness but lack the confidence to act on it openly.
How It’s Different from Grandiose Narcissism:
Covert Narcissist
Quiet, withdrawn, sensitive
May appear anxious or depressed
Seeks admiration indirectly
Grandiose Narcissist
Loud, dominant, attention-seeking
Often appears confident and charming
Demands admiration directly
Psychological Origins:
Covert narcissism often arises from early attachment wounds, emotional neglect, or conditional love—where self-worth becomes tied to approval, yet that approval feels impossible to secure.
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Note: covert narcissists often go undetected due to their more subtle presentation.
Reflection: “perceived” slights means having to constantly walk on eggshells, to avoid a sudden passive aggressive attack. It is horrendous to feel hyper vigilant around such covert narcissistic individuals, all … the … time. They are energy vampires. YES to the sulking, sarcasm and guilt-tripping behaviours. I’ve copped them all, including when they are maliciously gossiping about others. No one is “safe” from the tongues of covert narcissists. Nasty behaviour and ENERGY VAMPIRES.
Regarding psychological origins, see my previous reflection, including the note above that I made bold and red. If we can’t convince people in adulthood, of the emotional harm caused by being on the receiving end of a covert narcissist’s bullying behaviour, what hope does a child have in describing this and being believed?
For a textbook case of a grandiose narcissist, look no further than my local state MP for the electorate of Kogarah, also now the NSW Premier, Chris Minns. He enters my story in October 2021.
Question: How does a covert narcissist use gaslighting?
Answer: A covert narcissist uses gaslighting in ways that are often subtle, emotionally manipulative, and rooted in insecurity rather than dominance. Unlike overt narcissists who may gaslight through obvious control or aggression, vulnerable narcissists often gaslight through guilt, self-pity, or passive-aggressive tactics. The goal is still the same: to destabilise your reality and maintain emotional control.
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How a Vulnerable Narcissist May Gaslight:
Playing the victim - Example, “I can’t believe you’d accuse me of that. After all I’ve done for you.” Purpose - Makes you question whether you were too harsh or unfair.
Guilt-tripping - eg. “You’re making me feel worse about myself than I already do.” Purpose - Shifts the blame to make you feel responsible for their emotions.
Denial with emotional fragility - “I never said that. You must be imagining things - why would you think I’d hurt you?” (said with sadness or distress). Purpose - Makes you second-guess your memory, but framed as hurt feelings rather than attack.
Passive-aggressive forgetfulness - “Oh, I forgot you told me that. You didn’t make it clear.” Purpose - Undermines your sense of communication or clarity.
Projection through insecurity - “You’re the one who’s selfish - you only care when I’m upset.” Purpose - Turns the accusation back on you to deflect attention from their behavior.
Minimising your feelings - “You’re being too sensitive - why do you always take things the wrong way?” Purpose - Invalidates your experience while appearing gentle or confused.
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Why It’s Effective:
Their fragility makes you feel guilty for pushing back.
They often appear wounded, not abusive, which confuses boundaries.
They can mask manipulation as vulnerability, making it harder to identify the emotional abuse.
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Psychological Effect on the Target:
Chronic self-doubt
Increased emotional caretaking of the narcissist
Suppression of one’s own needs or perspective
Feeling like the “bad guy” in the relationship
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Summary:
A vulnerable narcissist gaslights not through overt control but by weaponising their insecurity, playing the victim, and covertly shifting blame. This can be even more confusing and damaging because it blurs the line between woundedness and manipulation.
Reflection: I’m not going to relive and write examples of my childhood experiences with relatives regarding the above points (they are ALL valid points), but I have posted examples of a covert narcissist’s behaviour in the workplace, and this blog will reveal how destructive covert narcissists can be. (See http://mystory-myvoice.blogspot.com/2024/07/organisational-culture-ethics.html from paragraph 6, http://mystory-myvoice.blogspot.com/2024/07/part-3-bullying-discrimination-and.html, and #19 in http://mystory-myvoice.blogspot.com/2024/07/part-4-bullying-discrimination-and.html).
The greater responsibility, however, is on organisational WHS, HR and senior leaders, who allow it to fester and cause harm on a massive scale. Then add the gross negligence of regulators like SafeWork NSW and their inspectors and managers, and other government agencies like SIRA NSW, FWO, IRO, the NSW Department of Customer Service generally, and if you’re really unlucky, a grandiose narcissist as your local MP, who exploits you for his own political interests and ambitions, Chris Minns.
I was one woman putting up with, pushing and fighting back this shit on a massive scale. It needs to be written. My story needs to be told. As I’m finding out, it’s a similar (and sometimes the same) story of many good people in Australia.
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| Me as a spirited toddler |
As for overt (or grandiose) narcissists, it seems to have become a “normalised” trait in our society, especially in men. Again, I can only speak from my own direct personal experience. Is not overt narcissistic behaviour, that harms women in dating and relationships, an example of toxic masculinity?
The photo above is of me as a toddler, before my memories of narcissistic abuse. My mum has told me that I would dance in my pram as a tiny tot. People would say to my mum that I’ll likely be snatched up early in my life. Not only did that not happen, men have treated me so badly and selfishly, this little girl has now stopped dancing.
I share a TED Talk on the power of vulnerability by Brené Brown:
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