Family response to the insulting letter from the NSW Funeral Directors Association

Using the phrase business ethics might imply that the ethical rules and expectations are somehow different in business than in other contexts. There really is no such thing as business ethics. There is just ethics and the challenge for people in business and every other walk in life to acknowledge and live up to basic moral principles like honesty, respect, responsibility, fairness and caring.

Michael Josephson

Grief and trauma are hard enough to process. But these added layers of cruelty and unethical practices caused compounded trauma. We were shocked by the written letter from the NSW Funeral Directors Association. Again refer to the previous post to read the letter (http://mystory-myvoice.blogspot.com/2024/08/nsw-funeral-directors-association.html) and the Code of Ethics members are expected to abide by (https://www.fdansw.com.au/code-of-ethics.html). Clearly, they don’t. Apart from membership fees, I can only speculate if there was possibly something more, to result in my family being sent such a deceitful, dishonest, patronising, disrespectful, unprofessional, unethical (by the standards of this association’s own code of ethics) and inhumane letter. 

When will the Federal Government finally review the so called religious “privileges” of registered non-profit organisations with the Australian Charities and Non-Profit Commission? Why are they exempt from the same transparency, fairness, compliance and accountability? What do they have to hide, if they are ethical and honest institutions? 

The trauma from this shocking letter was so intense, it took several years for my family to reply. How, then, can such a prolonged process of repeated inhumanity and brazen misconduct, especially from businesses and their association in an industry like this, have a timeline expectation placed on grieving families, to resolve this matter within the statute of limitations? I repeat the wise words of Troy Stolz: in Australia, we have a “legal” system, not a “justice” system. 

The response letter is dated 20 February 2020. 

This was my family’s reply to that pathetic letter that was full of ignorance and disrespect, from the NSW Funeral Directors Association. 

THE FUNERAL DIRECTORS' ASSOCIATION OF NSW LTD. E secretary@fdansw.com.au W www.fdansw.com.au P +61 1800 613913 F +61 2 8078 3825 Address Suite 4G, 9 Redmyre Road Strathfield NSW Post PO Box 270, Strathfield NSW 2135 

Mr Cividin, 

When I first called you and discussed our problem with you, you came across as 1) very understanding, and 2) quite shocked, that one of your member organisations (Acropolis Funerals) did not carry out our wishes for my father’s funeral as requested by us and as recorded on the ‘Funeral Agreement’ (Contract). Your exact words included such terms and phrases as “unacceptable”, “we can’t have things like that going on”, and “what is in a contract is binding”. You told me that you took three pages of notes as I was speaking with you, and, of course, I sent you all documents pertaining to this matter (including a copy of the Funeral Contract) as requested by you. 

Following your meeting with Vicky Kiriazis (Director) of Acropolis Funerals, you seem to have made a 180 degree turn from your original stance, concerning your position in this serious matter. For some reason, both you and your board have completely ignored the Funeral Contract and the letters of complaint we brought to your attention, and have simply found Acropolis Funerals to be innocent of any wrongdoing, even though Vicky Kiriazis has admitted (indirectly) that there was a serious breach of contract concerning my father's funeral. As far as my family and I are concerned, her excuses are an admission of wrongdoing from the side of Acropolis Funerals, and we cannot understand why you, Mr Cividin, have chosen to turn a blind eye to this. 

This matter is so clear and simple, that you did in fact tell me on the phone (off the record) that "Acropolis Funerals did not do what was asked of them by the next of kin", therefore clearly indicating that they are in breach of contract, which, of course, constitutes professional misconduct. Now, why you chose to put the basic facts of this case to the side, and send us the totally ridiculous and shocking response that you did is anybody's guess. Your response to us (following what you have called your "investigation" into this matter) defies both logic and explanation. It has become apparent to us, that your so called "investigation" was more of a little conversation (like a small chat) with Acropolis Funerals. In a desperate attempt to cover or excuse or justify their professional misconduct, Acropolis Funerals resorted to lying through their teeth, and you, Mr Cividin, have accepted their lies as facts, thus adding to the serious emotional injury and pain inflicted upon us by Acropolis Funerals. I will now respond to each of your points one by one: 

1) There is absolutely no Greek custom or tradition that a priest (and other people of his choice) be included in a funeral cortege! A priest does not have the right to demand a funeral car for himself (and other people of his choice) for a funeral procession, a priest does not have the right to demand that he (and other people of his choice) be included in a funeral procession, and a funeral business certainly does not have the right to provide a car for anyone (priest or lay person) against the explicit and specific instructions and wishes of the next of kin.

* Please be informed that I hold two tertiary qualifications in theology (undergraduate and postgraduate) so I am very well-educated in what is and what is not Greek custom concerning funerals. Also, for the past three decades I have not only attended, but actively participated in countless Greek Orthodox funeral services (including my own father's funeral), and I will have you know that what Acropolis Funerals did has nothing to do with Greek custom or tradition. What they did was engage in highly unethical and unprofessional behaviour for which they must be held to account. The fact that the priest in question (and six other people) were estranged relatives is irrelevant to this matter. If we wanted relatives or friends in the funeral cortege we would have requested a car for them, and this would have been recorded in the 'Funeral Agreement'. The 'Funeral Agreement' clearly shows that we wanted only one sedan for three people (the immediate family). Acropolis Funerals disrespected and ignored this very clear and simple instruction; 

*A brief look at Australian laws governing funerals and funeral arrangements has revealed to me the following: If the deceased person did not legally designate someone to make decisions regarding their funeral arrangements, it falls to the next of kin, which is the closest blood-related family member (or spouse). Funeral homes only need one blood-related family member to be present while making arrangements. Once that family member steps up and takes responsibility for both making and paying for the funeral arrangements, they sign a legal contract which obligates the funeral home to follow the instructions of that family member alone. ... The funeral home is legally bound to the contract made with the family member that took initial responsibility for both making and paying for the arrangements. Australian law also clearly states that the person with the right to control the funeral and burial arrangements of the deceased (the right of disposal) is the person most likely to be awarded the right to administer the deceased's estate. The order of priority for administering an estate is found in the common law in Victoria and WA. In all other states and territories, the order is governed by statute. At common law, the order of priority is: a) spouse or domestic partner of the deceased; b) children of the deceased or, if the children are not yet 18 years of age, the children's guardian; c) adoptive parents of the deceased; d) biological parents of the deceased; e) foster parents of the deceased; f) extended family of the deceased; g) householder of the premises in which the deceased passed away. 

2) Mr Cividin, I find it deplorable that both you and Acropolis Funerals are using my politeness at the time of my father's death against me in this matter, and, according to you, as a kind of affirmation on my behalf that everything that was said at that time was fine, and that everything that was done at that time was fine. It is clear to me that both you and Acropolis Funerals have no idea about or understanding of what happens to a family when they lose a loved one to suicide. At that time of unspeakable shock, my family and I were surviving on autopilot. I was doing two things: a) What do I need to get done? ; and b) Just say "thank you" to everyone no matter what they say and/or do. For example, there were people who were telling us that my father had committed a grave sin for which he would go to hell, and I would just say "thank you very much for everything." So, with Acropolis Funerals, I thought "what do I need to do?", - pay for the funeral in the timeframe given, "what do I need to say?", - thank you very much for everything. You, Mr Cividin, and Acropolis Funerals need to realise that when something like this happens to a family, the family only begins to process what has happened, what has been said, and what has been done, months (if not years) later, hence our first letter of complaint to Acropolis Funerals months later on the 14/06/2010; 

3) On 14/06/2010 we sent a letter of complaint to Acropolis Funerals regarding the fact that they provided seven people with a car for the funeral cortege without our knowledge, consent, and authorisation, and against our explicit instruction for one sedan for three people (the immediate family). We requested a written explanation concerning this matter. Acropolis Funerals refused to provide us with a written explanation concerning this matter. Instead, late one night, the Funeral Director of Acropolis Funerals called us on the phone, and made matters worse. The Funeral Director said, and I quote verbatim, "your priest relative demanded the car be ready for him and six other people on the morning of the funeral", "I know that priest through work I do for him", "I had to respect the wishes of a priest over and above the wishes of the next of kin", "I had no choice in the matter", "I respected your family by giving those people their car for free." The phone call became a serious and acrimonious exchange of words, as there was no way I could communicate with this person. At the end of the phone call with this person I screamed in distress at the top of my lungs "I'll see you in court over this", and then handed the phone to my sister. I was completely devastated by the audacity of the Funeral Director and just couldn't believe what I was hearing. My sister tried to speak with this person, tried to get to the bottom of the matter, and finally had to hang up the phone, because she was left drowning in the agony of her own tears. Yet again, Mr Cividin, you have accepted the blatant lies of someone at Acropolis Funerals as fact. Where you get "at the end of the conversation all appeared to have been sorted out to both parties' acknowledgement", is anybody's guess; 

4) Mr Cividin, I am not going to repeat myself for your benefit. Refer to point number 1; 

5) Mr Cividin, considering the many lies Acropolis Funerals has come up with to cover their professional misconduct, I believe they are lying about not receiving our letter to them dated 21/02/2011. However, even if I give them the benefit of the doubt, the fact of the matter is a) in this letter we clearly asked that they not contact us at all as we would be escalating the matter by forwarding it to the relevant authorities; and b) they did receive our first letter to them dated 14/06/2010 and refused to respond in writing which is what we requested; 

6) Mr Cividin, you say that "... a lesson learned from this would be that if a complaint is received in writing that the complaint should be answered in writing, which would appear to have never been done (by Acropolis Funerals) other than over the phone soon after the letter dated June 14, 2010 was received." Mr Cividin, be informed that Acropolis Funerals has still not responded to our complaint in writing. Evidently, Acropolis Funerals has not learned anything from this matter; 

7) Mr Cividin, the final comments to us in your letter are nothing less than patronising and condescending, not to mention shockingly dismissive of the basic facts of this matter. On the record you have written that in your view Acropolis Funerals "have nothing to answer for", but, as I have already mentioned, off the record (on the phone) you told me that "Acropolis Funerals have done the wrong thing", and "we have the right to take this matter to the NCAT where everyone will be under oath and will have to tell the truth." Fair Trading NSW also told us that this matter should be brought to the attention of the NCAT without bringing it to your attention first. Fair Trading NSW warned us that it would be totally futile and emotionally taxing on us if we brought the matter to your attention first. Fair Trading NSW knew that the Funeral Directors' Association of NSW exists to side with and support member organisations, rather than seek the truth and hold them to account when they do the wrong thing - morally, ethically, professionally, legally - by their clients (bereaved families). We have become very aware that both you and your board have absolutely no conscience or integrity, and, of course, no sympathy for a bereaved family that has been seriously wronged by one of your member organisations. The NCAT can now determine whether or not Acropolis Funerals "have nothing to answer for." Also, my family and I have a good mind to sue you and your board for the serious emotional distress you have inflicted upon us in the appalling way with which you have handled this matter. 

Yours sincerely on behalf of myself and my family.

_____________

This family were put through hell, and by 20 February 2020, I was already a target of the most immoral and diabolical adverse action from yet another RELIGIOUS INSTITUTION. It was against the law to violate not only my privacy, but my family’s! What we were going through, as a family, because of horrendous experiences like this one, regarding unconscionable conduct forcing upon us compounded trauma, is private, personal and NOT THE BUSINESS OF MY EMPLOYER. A UNIVERSITY WITH A MISSION LIKE NO OTHER, INCLUDING A COMMITMENT TO THE DIGNITY OF THE HUMAN PERSON AND COMMON GOOD. The offences committed by senior executive staff were “like no other”, beyond the initial serious complaint of bullying, discrimination and harassment.

My employer benefited greatly from my work ethic and value to the community since August 2001 (that’s not a typo - AUGUST 2001!). I was NOT SLAVE LABOUR. Where’s the Fair and Dignified Work Conditions in this institution towards its staff, students, families and the greater community? 

Fair and Dignified Work Conditions 

Catholic Social Teaching on Work

I expect cooperation for another legally binding agreement, the injury management plan, to be implemented and my legal workers compensation benefits never passed on, starting with the claim form and my entitled payments STILL UNPROCESSED SINCE MID-2020, TO HAPPEN ASAP. IT’S FRAUD. 

NSW State Insurance Regulatory Authority under the NSW Department of Customer Service (you call this prolonged torture and abuse, customer service?). Why are you forcing taxpayers to resort to begging for their legal workplace entitlements being deliberately withheld by a self-insured employer? Another religious privilege, perhaps? 

I PAY TAXES NSW GOVERNMENT. CATHOLIC CHURCH INSURANCE DON’T. They are a registered non-profit with the ACNC. 

The now former CEO of SIRA NSW thought he could cherry pick which key stakeholders could go ahead and commit the crime of fraud as per Crimes Act 1900 (NSW), Part 4AA, and which stakeholders would face the full force of the law. 

What do you think was finally going to happen, Mr. Adam Dent? How the hell did you get the job of CEO?

And all I requested was a safe work environment! All that is coming up, but the reader can review the initial complaint and collective staff and student reviews in my earlier posts of my story. My complaint was never even read by incompetent associate directors, HR (who like to label themselves as “talent acquisition” these days, it fuels narcissism to take out “human” from what was known as “Human Resources”), WHS staff, a self-insurer, all directed by a senior executive group that must be held accountable before someone’s life is placed at serious risk. Give us an update SafeWork NSW and SIRA NSW. 

Surely it’s evident to the reader, even from what I have written so far, it is institutional abuse. It’s institutional betrayal, yes, but with so many lives impacted, and their families, it’s institutional abuse. We all know the fish rots from the head. It’s been proven once more in yet another institution. And this experience with the Greek Orthodox Church community, and its institutions, is exactly the same regarding moral injury, institutional betrayal and abuse. There is nothing Christ-like in any of this behaviour. 

NSW Funeral Directors Association - Questionable business ethics

In January and February of 2015, my family submitted a complaint against Acropolis Funerals to the NSW Department of Fair Trading. Like the experience I was soon to have with the Independent Review Office, these government agencies don’t have powers to take action. The only thing of benefit, ultimately, is a case number and records of the case in the archives. 

What is missing from any public service “process” is the human factor. In this case, the staff were professional and understanding. But when it has to do with industries and businesses, like funerals, where clients are taken advantage of at their most vulnerable time (even worse when it’s disenfranchised grief from a suicide in the family), another bureaucratic step in this “process” with no positive outcome, exacerbates the trauma that such unethical businesses, and their serious misconduct, cause. Instead of closure and healing, there is compounded trauma. 

The response from NSW Fair Trading, with options for “next steps” in this “process”, was sent on 13 February 2015. 

Immediately after, on 15 February 2015, my family tried another approach in seeking a fair resolution from the uncooperative and unethical Acropolis Funerals. They called the NSW Funeral Directors Association, followed up with an email and attached documents of what my poor family have tried so far.  

Before I share the written response, after a questionable internal “investigation” by the board of the NSW FDA, I visited their website, specifically their Code of Ethics. 

I think it’s important to share the ten points in the Code of Ethics, before sharing the NSW FDA’s questionable response, and my family’s response, addressing each of these ignorant, arrogant, deceitful, patronising and dismissive points in the formal letter from the NSW FDA addressed to my family. How dare they, and more so, how dare Acropolis Funerals, insult our intelligence, and now treat us as though we don’t know our own Greek Orthodox traditions and culture. How more audacious, immoral (and stupid) can they get. 

Code of Ethics
Members of the FDA of NSW subscribe to the following code:

1. To maintain in all matters the highest standards of business, professional and personal conduct.
2. To respect in all circumstances the confidentiality and trust of clients.
3. To ensure that staff is qualified and competent.
4. To ensure that facilities are adequate for all services rendered.
5. To provide information concerning the range of services available, the prices of the services and the functions and responsibilities accepted.
6. To give a written estimate of all funeral charges and disbursements to be made on a client's behalf at the time of taking instructions or as soon as practicable.
7. To respect personal choice and have regard for diversity of beliefs in religious and cultural practices.
8. To ensure that all advertising is genuinely informative and in good taste.
9. To be thoroughly conversant with the laws of the land as they apply to funeral service and allied industries and professions.
10. To provide an advisory service with conciliation and arbitration arrangements available to help resolve disputes which may arise between members and their clients.

Now let’s review the response to my family, from the secretary of the board of the NSW Funeral Directors Association, after an “internal investigation” (?) into our contractual dispute, deception and unethical conduct of Acropolis Funerals. As mentioned in previous posts, all correspondence and attempts at resolving this issue have been scanned and kept by me and my family. 

Letter sent on 8 April 2015

NSW THE FUNERAL DIRECTORS' ASSOCIATION OF NSW LTD

Subject: Complaint on Acropolis Funerals 

Dear [Family], 

I acknowledge receipt of your email dated Sunday February 15, 2015, regarding a complaint on Acropolis Funerals on the services rendered for the funeral of your late father. In line with our policy, we have received the details in writing of your experience with Acropolis Funerals and in turn have visited the company of Acropolis Funerals to hear their side of the story. 

The board has come to a decision based on a few pertinent issues: 

• that in line with Greek custom a request from a Greek priest to attend a funeral is common practice and is considered an honour to have a priest in attendance and in those instances they do provide a car if requested to transport the priest to the funeral, so in this instance Acropolis have not acted outside the ordinary being unaware of any estrangement in the family. (They were very aware, even if just by what happened at the viewing the day before the funeral. What utter crap regarding priestly “privileges”. And his entire family too?).

• it was noted that on 12.2.10 you sent a cheque accompanied by a note to Vicky Kiriazis, quote "Thankyou for everything! Regards", which, to the board appeared that at the time you were satisfied with the service provided. (NOTE: this seems to be a common tactic used in complaint letters, that causes more anger, trauma and is disgusting to throw any small example of polite human behaviour, especially in a surreal and vulnerable situation people find themselves in, back in their face. It is severely offensive and disrespectful. We were in automatic response mode, thanking everyone, still numb with shock. Such arrogance and collective indifference and narcissism, giving themselves a pat on the back. Congratulating themselves for robbing us of healing and closure). 

• it was then on June 14, 2010 you sent a letter to Acropolis re issuing a funeral vehicle without your consent, at which time I was told that Acropolis rang and spoke to you regarding your complaint but at the end of the conversation all appeared to have been sorted out to both parties acknowledgement. 

• The board is of the impression that the family is of Greek descent and that this custom would in all reasonableness have been known by the family. 

• Acropolis claim that a letter from you that we had, dated February 21, 2011 was never received by them. We have given them a copy. (Not good enough. Hence let the entire world read my and my family’s traumatic experience, letters and all, on my personal blog now. It’s my story of moral injury, betrayal, and unethical business conduct in my life. It’s my voice, where I was repeatedly denied a right to speak). 

• As far as Acropolis being a member of this association is concerned, it would appear that a lesson learned from this would be that if a complaint is received in writing that the complaint should be answered in writing, which would appear to have never been done other than over the phone soon after the letter dated June 14 2010, was received. While the death of a loved family member is a traumatic experience even in the best of times, any abnormality that occurs outside the expected can blow out of all proportions and while the board sympathize with you, feel that in this instance, Acropolis Funerals rendered the service to your father with the greatest respect and dignity that is deserved and as such have nothing to answer for. 

Yours sincerely, on behalf of the board, executive officer Cc: Acropolis Funerals.

Suite 4G, "Redmyre House", 9 - 13 Redmyre Road Strathfield NSW Postal: PO Box 270, Strathfield NSW 2135 Telephone: 1800 613913 Facsimile: (02) 8078 3825 Email: secretary@fdansw.com.au ABN: 46 978 571 730 Website: www.fdansw.com.au

NOW SCROLL BACK UP AND RE-READ THE NSW FUNERAL DIRECTORS ASSOCIATION CODE OF ETHICS. 

DOES THE READER FEEL THAT THE NSW FDA BOARD, IN ADDITION TO ACROPOLIS FUNERALS, ADHERE TO THEIR OWN CODE OF ETHICS? 

OR HAS THE PUBLIC, ONCE AGAIN, BEEN FED MORE BULLSHIT?! 

Family’s response in the next post. I’m re-traumatised sharing all this, but it finally has to be done, for my family’s sake. And for other people, other families, who relate to such unethical business conduct. 

Family’s second letter of complaint to Acropolis Funerals

“If hatred is a disease, it is mutating. As our culture cures itself of one strain, new ones take its place.”

Jamil Zaki in 

The war for kindness: Building empathy in a fractured world. (2019). London: Robinson.

The follow up letter was sent on 21 February 2011, just over a year after my father’s funeral, and just over eight months since the first letter. All correspondence and attempts at resolving this issue have been scanned and kept by me and my family. 

Given this letter, allegedly never received by Acropolis Funerals, is now shared on my blog, there is no excuse that they haven’t “received” it. This is my blog, I have a right to share a legitimate review about my experience of funeral directors in the funeral business that behaved unethically. My family carry the scars of what the staff at this funeral business did. There is no deadline, like a legal statute of limitations, in trying to heal from these wounds. Because Acropolis Funerals and its directors, both former and current, refused to cooperate to resolve this issue when we tried within the first year. The unconscionable conduct from the FDA, then frustrating attempts with the toothless Department of Fair Trading, resulted in greater trauma and greater lapse of time. This lead to failure at the NCAT, other than experiencing the most horrendous attitude from the current funeral director and another heartless employee. 

Given the greater indifference and narcissism that was to come, I must write my lived experiences of indifference and narcissism that have festered. Australia has become very sick as a society. To quote Troy Stolz, a brave man who challenged Chris Minns as an Independent, for the seat of Kogarah at the last NSW state election, we have a legal system, not a justice system. He knows this all too well in his ethical and passionate battle for greater regulatory and systemic reform, accountability and laws regarding the gambling industry. Concurrently, this social justice warrior is also being treated for cancer. Now this man is a true blue Aussie battler, for society, for his mates, who were also persecuted for being ethical, for a justice system.

This was the follow-up letter of complaint sent to Acropolis Funerals:

To whom it may concern, 

A number of months ago we sent you a letter of complaint concerning the fact that you issued a funeral vehicle to a group of people for our father’s funeral without our authorisation and consent.

Overall, you handled the funeral fairly well and with sensitivity.* However, you displayed unacceptable professional misconduct in issuing a funeral vehicle to anyone - in this case estranged relatives - without our prior consent. In other words, you simply disregarded us (your clients) and gave [the priest] and his family the vehicle because, to use your own words, he had told you he had “organised it” with us, and then, to use your own words again, he “demanded” the vehicle from you. 

We kindly requested that you send us a written explanation why you issued the aforementioned person with the vehicle, especially going against our wishes as your clients. For some strange reason you have refused to forward this letter to us. Had you sent us the letter we requested we would have had no further problem with your business. We would have simply taken up the matter with [the priest]. In refusing to send us a written explanation for your action, you have only made your position worse. 

As a funeral business you should know better than to go against the wishes of a bereaved family when they entrust funeral arrangements to you. A bereaved family has more than enough to deal with, without having to worry about the funeral business making its own choices and its own decisions. 

We regret to inform you that we have no other choice but to forward this matter to a solicitor who will advise us accordingly. 

Sincerely,

The [family].

____________

* We were yet to learn about the dash in the line item for “extra vehicle” on the agreement, and what would likely be “claimed” by Acropolis had we taken legal action. I can’t speak for my family, but for me, I retract the sentence about how Acropolis Funerals “handled” the funeral. 

The unprofessional way the staff conducted themselves toward my family, without any attempt to seek a reasonable and fair resolution about their own decision regarding my father’s funeral, it was not only an act of betrayal and disrespecting our wishes, it robbed us of closure. Once again sunlight is the best disinfectant. 

I will not be robbed of my voice and my right to share my own traumatic experience of this funeral business and the unethical conduct of its funeral directors, both former and current. The former, Kon, has started another funeral business, Icon Funerals. The current funeral director of Acropolis Funerals was then an employee, who came into our family home, prepared and ready to betray us, to use a mark, the dash, on the written agreement, while withholding information to disadvantage us, a vulnerable family at the time, and benefit and protect Acropolis Funerals in their unethical practices. I suspect they already had insider information from Kon’s brother, also a priest, the chaplain at the chapel at Rookwood, not far from where my father is now buried. This is clericalism. This is the clergy club. This is abuse of power. 

I’m sickened by the unconscionable conduct and horrendous attitude. From all of them. It’s something I will never forget. 

Family’s first letter of complaint to Acropolis Funerals

The letter was sent on 14 June 2010, several months after my father’s funeral. All correspondence and attempts at resolving this issue have been scanned and kept by me and my family. 

This was the first letter of complaint sent to Acropolis Funerals:

To whom it may concern, 

We, the family of the late C.B., are writing to complain about the issuing of a funeral car for our father’s funeral procession, without our authorisation and consent as your clients.

When arranging the funeral, which was held on 9th February 2010, we requested one car for three people, the immediate family of the deceased. To our shock and dismay, on the day of the funeral, we were told by the funeral director that certain people, estranged relatives, contacted the business to arrange their own vehicle to follow the procession. This was arranged without our knowledge or approval and was only revealed to us on the day of the funeral, in which case it was too late for us to actually do anything about it. 

With what authority did this funeral business arrange and issue another vehicle without direct permission from the clients? In addition to the pain and grief of losing a father and husband, we had to endure the pain and anger of having a group of people in the funeral procession that we have absolutely nothing to do with. How could your business inflict such pain upon us? These audacious “so called” relations had no right to request a funeral car directly from you in the first place. However, it was unprofessional on your part to issue the vehicle without consulting with us and obtaining our consent. 

We, the family, would like to know the reason Acropolis Funerals made the decision to go ahead and give those people the funeral vehicle without our consent. Be aware that on top of our grief these last few months, this incident on the day of the funeral has caused us greater emotional pain. This situation is totally unacceptable and was more than we could bear. 

We would like to find a solution to this problem. We expect a written response as to why this vehicle was issued without our knowledge, within ten working days of receipt of this letter. If we are not satisfied with the response or reason, we have no choice but to take this matter to a higher authority. 

Sincerely, 

The [family].

_______________

We never received a written response. We did receive a call from the then funeral director, Kon Grillis. Refer to my previous post regarding excuses and more salt rubbed on our wounds as he tried to get out of his responsibility and deflect the problem onto us: eg. “but we respected your family and gave them the car for free” (would he be so bold as to charge us? But he didn’t charge the offending party either, most likely “because he’s a priest”, to use his words, verbatim. Again, refer to the previous post). 

We are consumers and we have a right to share our experiences. The bigger issue, for me, was the dodging of the complaint and refusing to cooperate for a fair and reasonable solution to the problem. It by no means ends here. A second letter was sent (next post), betrayal and closing ranks from the Funeral Directors Association, another government toothless tiger in the Department of Fair Trading, the trauma at the NCAT, and my letter to the ACCC, after my own research regarding consumer rights, specifically in relation to funeral businesses. 

Let the buyer beware. 

To be continued, with the second letter, which was allegedly never received by Acropolis Funerals. Perhaps now Australia Post is to blame. Our mistake for not sending the letter express or registered post, with an allocated tracking number. That was our lesson learned. 

The funeral and unethical conduct of Acropolis Funerals

“Dehumanization silences empathy at the most basic levels.” 

Jamil Zaki in 

The war for kindness: Building empathy in a fractured world (2019). London:Robinson 

At the viewing the evening before the funeral, the behaviour of those relatives on my dad’s side was disgusting. After the service, my dad’s sister, her husband (the priest) and the brother made a bolt to my dad to be the first to pay their respects, leaving us stunned. “What just happened?” we were saying out loud. 

The priest made a mental note to call Acropolis Funerals that night after seeing they were the business organising the formalities. It looks like in-breeding (a.k.a. undisclosed conflicts of interest) in such businesses and organisations because the funeral director was the brother of another insensitive priest based at the chapel at Rookwood cemetery.

Anyway, why the call? “Kon, can you arrange a car for seven people for the funeral procession tomorrow. Don’t worry about the others, I’ll speak to them.” Something to that effect was likely said. As if he would respectfully call us and seek our approval. So not only did they get their car to be in the funeral procession without our permission or knowledge, when we blasted the funeral director several months later, he said, “But we respected your family so we gave them the car for free!” That just poured salt on our open bleeding wounds. It was also done “because he was a priest.” Exactly. If the reader recalls, it was a priest who called Acropolis Funerals, when we asked him to contact a business, to just get it done on that tragic night. Priests give Acropolis a lot of business. What would have happened if this “deal” with uncle priest, made without our knowledge or consent, had been done ethically, and the request was declined (which was a certainty)? 

We paid for our car which was the only one agreed in the contract. I’ve heard horror stories regarding this industry and how unethical some have been. On the day of the funeral, we all had our eyes fixated on the hearse that carried my father. A paid business meant to direct, not decide, took advantage of our vulnerability too. Only later, when we could gather our thoughts, did we realise the betrayal of having a carload of a lifetime of abusive backstabbers follow us in the formal funeral procession. With girlfriend and others we had nothing to do with thrown in to the deal. What a bargain for them.

Later we learn that we were most likely betrayed by the funeral business before they even came to our house to organise the details. The brother of the funeral director who’s the priest over at Rookwood, most likely told his brother that we’re related to the (then) priest of the Liverpool parish and we’re not on good terms. They made sure the business was protected from any risk of legal action, in case the priest buddy demanded his own arrangements for the funeral too. 

Oh yes. They did everything we agreed as written in the contract. But it was all in a dash placed in the extra car section on the item list, as we found out much later. The dash meant that anything included in this line item was an add-on benefit that wouldn’t be charged to the family. We had no knowledge of this “dash”. Withholding information to disadvantage someone is illegal and unethical generally, but when it’s done to customers in the most vulnerable and tragic times in their lives, it’s massively inhumane and immoral. Then, fronting up on the day of the funeral, the director springs this “arrangement” on us, at the front door of our home, where they came to collect us. We look over to see the “extra” car of people who are strangers to us. We do not relate or have anything to do with these people. Let the buyer beware. And Acropolis funerals were later boasting that they were doing us a favour. We were robbed of closure. I keep being robbed of everything that’s precious to me. There’s no closure or healing. It leaves me feeling violated and unsafe to trust anyone.

When we arrived at the church, the aunt made a theatrical, melodramatic and fake display of sympathy, as she approached my brother. I think she had overdosed on too many episodes of Days of Our Lives. I can’t even imagine what she had to do to suppress her demons. Days after the funeral, we were informed by several people, who viewed the afternoon news on the 9 February 2010, of an accident on the M5, where the car was totalled but the people came out without a scratch. Those people were the priest and aunt. Did this serious incident wake them up to smell their own human mortality? No. I will never understand dark triad personalities. I don’t want to enter their minds. Not even as a formal educational research project.

As a form of emotional protection at my dad’s funeral, from all those I’m ashamed to be related to, and a church packed with people, I had some close friends surrounding me and my family at the service. The gossip and judgement was about to start. My brother, while in the aisle greeting people, overheard one lady ask another person in her pew, how could the Archbishop preside at a funeral like this? A funeral like what? A funeral of a loved husband and father who was kind, socially just and wise, who loved seeing an underdog succeed against the odds, and would give the shirt of his back to someone who needed it more than he did? And why was she there? 

One person I had stand right next to me and with my family was Damascene. He was a colleague since 2002 and a family friend. He had told me about his story of survival of genocide in Rwanda. When he first arrived in Australia, he was a refugee all alone. I told my family about him, and when I invited him over, my dad was already skewing the souvlakia for the BBQ (I miss dad’s BBQ) and we became Damascene’s first family in Australia. At the time Damascene didn’t know if his own wife, child and possibly another child (she was pregnant when she escaped) were alive or dead. I never knew the words to say during the time of unknowing.

The human stories of the massacre in Rwanda are confronting and astounds me how evil can infiltrate so easily. The Hutus were brainwashed to believe the Tutsis were cockroaches and were to be killed as such. No one and nowhere was safe. And yet in late 2016, Damascene traveled to his motherland. He forgave the man who killed his family and gave him money to start life over. He knew this man’s name and called him by his name. I asked him how was he able to do this. I’ve never met a more Christ-like man and I already knew the answer to my question: “Father, forgive them. They know not what they are doing.” It doesn’t excuse such horrendous actions, or the questions of how human hatred could escalate to such crimes, between the peoples of one country. And the trauma as well as healing, post-survival, has been huge for this community. But Damascene’s faith has been an inspiration for me. Although I miss the mark many times, I do try. 

A thought crossed my mind having Damascene stand next to me in church, but I shook my head, thinking people couldn’t possibly stoop so low. Let’s just say eight years on and we were still correcting the fabricated story. Gossip makes me sick. We didn’t owe anyone an explanation, but in the hope that people would learn how rumours can hurt many, we would reply to questions of assumption with the truth. No, the friend standing next to me and my family at my dad’s funeral, had never been my fiancé. He was a married man with a family. He was our family friend and my colleague. I felt like saying, so no, my dad didn’t take his life because his daughter was marrying a black man you gossipy, racist idiots! I knew people in this “community” all too well. The good, the bad and the ugly. Regardless, one’s personal life is no one else’s business (refer also to previous posts detailing the many examples of bullying, discrimination and harassment from the manager and a subordinate). 

The first person to fish for information was none other than the priest at the church at Rookwood. Talking to my brother only weeks later, “But enough of that, you have happy news coming up.” “What do you mean?” said my brother. “Your sister.” “My sister what?” “The engagement with that lovely man next to her.” “You mean Damascene. First of all, that man is a saint.” And my brother told him about the genocide in Rwanda, the story of our connection with him, and in disgust he then said, “So tell me, in the end, what kind of fucked up community did I grow up in and was a part of anyway?” Gossip, judgement, beliefs do hurt people. A lot. No surprise, this priest had no understanding of humility and forgiveness. He actually got defensive and said, “And how was I supposed to know?” Since he didn’t know, he should find out from the original source and not make up stories based on his own beliefs and assumptions. I lost my dad in a tragic way, and I had to put up with this shit.

To end this section, only a few days after my dad’s funeral, the priest’s sister (no relation, even more distant, but no shame to join in on the persecution), called our home to tell us off that we didn’t go to the 9-day blessing at the gravesite, that we just dumped our dad and left him there. No regard as to how we were, to ask if we were OK, or anything that displayed an inkling of humanity. I told my brother to please hang up, I couldn’t take it anymore. No one should be subjected to any of this on top of their initial loss and pain, no one. Mind you, she had no problem coming to the 40-day memorial service lunch we hosted. That lunch cost $5,000, and I suspect the priest deliberately said something to the staff (using his priestly influence because that’s what it’s there for), likely that the family don’t want a table reserved. It would be nice to have somewhere to sit considering we were paying $5,000 to offer lunch in memory of our loved one. We get there and started looking around, and there was nowhere to sit. My friend, who saw this was going to happen, saved us three seats to sit with them. Needless to say, for the one year memorial, we donated $3000 to good causes instead of holding a lunch. My dad would have preferred this anyway.

I won’t go into another suspicion we had regarding harassment and interference from “undesirable” relatives, but we had to decide on the purchase of the plots on both sides, at the cemetery, so my dad could truly rest in peace and be left alone. Talk about harassment. And then my publicly funded university employer enable HR senior executives to stalk and harass, harass, harass, not only me, but my surviving family. Who protected and supported me the one time in twenty years I had to explicitly ask for help at work?

I need what was stolen to be returned asap. There is a beautiful Greek word that has been completely dishonoured by the senior executive group of this religious and publicly funded university. Philotimo. For me, all this is connected to the honour and respect I have for my parents, and the dishonour from all those who engaged in gross negligence, harassment, fraud or chose to be “bystanders”. HR senior executives desperately tried to crush me financially as a last attempt to make me “disappear”. 

The employment lawyer may have advised that I make a workers compensation claim because it wasn’t worth my health, but it’s a self-insured employer. The employer was already engaging in illegal adverse action for requesting workplace rights generally protected under the Fair Work Act 2009 (Cth). The employer as a self-insurer, “manages” the claims “process”. So they withheld benefits, which is employer fraud. And the National Tertiary Education Union, in which I was a member, withheld information to disadvantage me, after we discovered the cause of my claim had intercepted my emails to my union representatives. I will go further into these prohibited actions in later posts. The union engaged in unethical conduct, sacrificing me, a member, as part of the enterprise bargaining negotiations. How much more betrayal can a person of integrity, compassion, kindness, work ethic, philotimo, take? How could I not lose trust and faith in humanity and in our Australian society? 

I don’t know how that national manager of employment relations and SAFETY succeeded in influencing everyone to remain silent and go on about a process that’s non-existent. Keeping people ignorant is a cruel and cowardly weapon. Can the VC inform the public why such horrendous conduct and non-compliance with federal and state regulations? Can the Chief Operating Officer? Can the Chancellor? 

I have so much trauma now. I need my publicly funded university employer to comply with WHS, Fair Work, Workers Compensation and other related laws, to start the healing and recovery process. It is not gross negligence. It is reckless and wilful misconduct.

Going back to my experience of my dad’s suicide, the attitude we had to endure was double trauma. Now, it’s triple, if we add the toxic psychosocial hazards I tolerated for too long, while still producing brilliant work and service for the university community. And especially the creepy psychological thriller of the last few years. Our humanity unites us. But many are just inhumane.

I wasn’t “allowed” to just grieve, be supported in my pain, and to process my grief, expressing the feelings and emotions I needed to. I felt such guilt, I suppressed my pain for seven years. I was stoic, one colleague said. No, I wasn’t. No one let me take time to process what happened, get the support I needed and actually grieve. I was made to feel I had no right to feel vulnerable, fragile, hurt, grief, anger and express it so I could get through it. That also happened in July 2017. I was suffering from so much suppressed grief and hurt, until I was pushed too far, from ignorant words, by members of this community. I finally release a lot of suppressed grief and emotions. No wonder families, left behind by a loved one’s suicide, experience disenfranchised grief. 

Video: The Greek Secret - Philotimo

 

From the day after the tragedy

Not even 12 hours after my dad’s death was confirmed, the next morning, my manager from work came over. I greeted her and went back to my room where I had my two friends who had been with me in Spain,  providing some comfort. I was in a daze from shock. The manager interrogated my mum, trying to find out when I could go back to work, it was a busy time for this to happen and I was needed there. Apologies that my dad’s pain and tragic ending was at an inappropriate time because semester one was coming up. 

My mum was in shock and this distressed her. She replied, “Why are you talking about work at this time? Where’s my husband? Where’s the children’s father? We haven’t even planned the funeral yet, you know?” Are people seriously human or completely devoid of human empathy? No wonder the dynamic with this manager changed as soon as I had a team to manage. She began bullying and harassing me to treat certain staff on my team the same way in times of grief and illness. And here I am, abused by the current university senior executive group, for being an ethical, law abiding, and more importantly, compassionate and humane citizen and supervisor. 

I’m so afraid. I lost my dad to suicide, with all the attitude and stigma that still exists in communities, coming at me in full force from the very beginning. Then someone I thought was actually good and kind, killed off my future dreams. And then all my hard work surrounding my career, my purpose (in addition to the family I always wanted), there have been massive attempts to destroy this too. 

Are the authorities going to let it happen? It’s the job and core responsibility of SafeWork NSW and SIRA NSW to stop it. Everyone else is letting it continue to happen. I had one bully I needed to resolve an issue with – now I have the Hydra of Lerna, to use Greek mythology in my heritage. A head made up of snakes. You cut one off and two would grow back in its place. Even Hercules needed a helping hand with that challenge. There has to be something good around the corner. I can’t survive all this anymore. Can the reader see how strong I’ve been to tolerate all this? The malicious rumours by the Hydra and power abuse supported by undisclosed conflicts of interest, is a massive no no, in a time the Australian and NSW Governments are promoting mentally healthy workplaces and managing psychosocial hazards.

Going back to the day after the tragedy, there were people coming over constantly at that time. It was overwhelming. On the Thursday, the phone wouldn’t stop until we finally disconnected it. Mostly because we had more relatives calling with toxic words. A cousin, who was my first traumatic experience of the toxic and destructive nature of narcissism, from as far back as a child as I can remember, had the audacity to call.

She called to say awful things including, “Your father was a piece of work, rip the suicide note and throw it out.” My dad never said anything bad to her or about her (but she is the same personality type as the manager). Narcissists ultimately have nothing good to say about anyone and kick you at your most vulnerable. That’s beyond cowardice. It’s an extremely low and immoral act. This cousin was living interstate at the time, making an extra effort to pay airfare, to come to Sydney to attend the funeral. To pay her respects? Obviously, no. It was a somewhat theatrical show of pushing back her father (my dad’s brother), to demonstrate how much she hated him, and also to engage in gossip. This cousin has a poisonous tongue (refer to the incident of the call two days after my dad took his life). But it seems, as I came to realise, many in society do. 

Everyone walks away from personality types like that. I’ve become aware of the patterns of behaviour to stay away from the start these days. But what happens when you’re meant to work closely with your manager in a new role and she is that personality? You can say I almost died from toxic poisoning with what I’ve been through. Intolerable. I felt something was not right. Every time I ignored that gut feeling in my life, I ended up paying the price.

The last thing we needed back then was a call from the US. A cousin of my dad’s. He started interrogating my mum demanding to know if she was to blame. Glad she told him he was distressing her and hung up. When his son died, I told my brother, don’t call to give condolences, they’re all (expletive). He just lost his son and my brother’s call gave him ammunition to attack us on different things – a man I’ve rarely seen in my life.

I’ll leave it there for now, because it gets worse and there’s only so much I can cope with writing about in a post. I’m in shock and my body’s shaking from trauma. I can’t believe the cruelty of so many people. As I said in the premise: the greatest disease of our time is indifference coupled with narcissism. 

Many people targeted in such organisational, systemic and institutional abuse don’t make it this far. I have to do my part, using my skills and attributes, to change that. I’ve compiled so much shocking evidence. I can now see how the high priests and religious in Jesus’ time successfully persuaded and coerced people to free Barabbas and crucify Jesus. People condemned the systemic abuse I experienced in my past. But they are the ones also doing what they condemned. They shouldn’t be so quick to think they’d never be coerced to free Barabbas and crucify the innocent Jesus, had they lived in that time. If we look at human nature and history more closely, we will find that history repeats. When will the lesson be learned?