Part 1 - Suicide and the Greek Orthodox Church

When the Pharisees saw this, they said to his disciples, “Why does your teacher eat with tax collectors and sinners?” But when he heard this, he said, “Those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick. Go and learn what this means, ‘I desire mercy, not sacrifice.’ For I have come to call not the righteous but sinners.” Matthew 9:11–13 (NRSV)

In this post, I share my experience of the harmful attitude and inaccurate message of the Greek Orthodox Church, after my dad’s suicide. Part 2 will cover my naive attempt at raising awareness and dialogue on this topic. For once in my life, I decided to raise a topic on FaceBook, thinking I could actually generate compassionate, respectful dialogue on the issue of suicide. And I was attacked, to the horror of my true “friends” who witnessed it. 

My aim is to raise awareness to prevent suicide, to save the lives of our loved ones.

Disenfranchised Grief

It’s important to firstly explain what is called disenfranchised grief. An article on Healthline defines disenfranchised grief … “also known as hidden grief or sorrow, refers to any grief that goes unacknowledged or unvalidated by social norms. This kind of grief is often minimized or not understood by others, which makes it particularly hard to process and work through”.

It is true that, “No matter what type of loss you’ve experienced, your grief is valid. Still, society often fails to acknowledge some types of grief, making it challenging to express your sadness or begin to navigate the healing process.”

One example of disenfranchised grief is loss caused by a suicide in the family. 

“If the circumstances of your loss lead others to judge or criticize you, you might get the message that you’re supposed to grieve alone. Unfortunately, some losses draw more stigma than compassion. The reactions of others might make you feel ashamed or embarrassed instead of comforted.” 

Alongside this pain, I was also suffering from an example of disenfranchised loss considered “less significant” in our society, a  “loss of safety, independence, [and] years of [my] life to abuse or neglect”. 

(See Raypole, C., Medically reviewed by Legg, T.J. (2020, 30 March). ‘Disenfranchised grief: When no one seems to understand your loss.’ Healthline. Online: https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/disenfranchised-grief). 

All these seemingly “shameful” or “insignificant” losses, as judged by our seemingly compassionate, progressed and understanding society, are even more reasons why I have to share my story, my personal pain and experiences. Ignorance, negative attitude, stigma, judgement, apathy and words, do hurt. A lot.

It’s even worse and extremely hypocritical when the stigma, ignorance, negative attitude, trauma and abuse, is institutional in a religious community. I find it immoral, beyond hypocritical, for those very (religious) institutions, to then turn around and condemn those they victimise, and their families, especially if being the ones that pushed innocent people to the brink. It’s malicious, underhanded, unethical, insensitive, narcissistic. It’s cruel. 

It is not ministering to the flock entrusted to them by Christ. It is a clergy club (that also excludes the authentic leadership and compassionate priests), blinded by ego and narcissism, pseudo-humility and deception, neglecting their flock, even harming and slaughtering the flock. To me, it’s irreverent to Christ’s mercy and love. It feels like the Pharisees crucifying Jesus all over again. Year after year.

Pastoral Ministry

For the purpose of an overview, I only used the source Wikipedia. If the reader wants to further their understanding, they can choose to cross-reference this overview with academic sources. It’s not my expertise to provide a lesson on this topic. 

According to those contributing to the Wikipedia page, “The term pastoral ministry relates to shepherds and their role caring for sheep…The Bible does not explicitly define the role of a pastor but associates it with teaching. Pastoral ministry involves shepherding the flock.”

“…Shepherding involves protection, tending to needs, strengthening the weak, encouragement, feeding the flock, making provision, shielding, refreshing, restoring, leading by example to move people on in their pursuit of holiness, comforting, guiding” (Ps 78:52; 23).

There are also brief descriptions of the Catholic, Orthodox and Protestant interpretations for Pastoral Ministry, the briefest one being the Orthodox teaching. It is too interesting, and significant, in what I witnessed and experienced, not to share: 

“The priesthood obligations of Orthodox clergymen are outlined by John Chrysostom (347–407) in his treatise On the Priesthood. It is perhaps the first pastoral work written, although he was only a deacon when he penned it. It stresses the dignity of the priesthood. The priest, it says, is greater than kings, angels, or parents, but priests are for that reason most tempted to pride and ambition. They, more than anyone else, need clear and unshakable wisdom, patience that disarms pride, and exceptional prudence in dealing with souls”. 

(See https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pastoral_care).

Grieve in peace: Suicide stigma still prevails in the community

This was the title of an article published in the Greek Australian newspaper, Neos Kosmos, in 2014. The title is accurate. Ten years later, it is still the same, if not worse. 

The author of the article, Helen Velissaris, gives an articulate and authentic report on this topic. It is balanced, with multiple perspectives, including clarity on the topic from a highly respected and learned Bishop in our community, who I know personally, to be a man of wisdom and humility. She also gives a voice to the families affected by this issue. 

Velissaris reported that, “Suicide is not over represented in the Greek Australian community, but changing times and attitudes haven’t removed the stigma it carries in our community…The affect on the family is also very damaging… A major contributor to this stigma has to be placed on the Greek Orthodox Church in Australia and the miscommunication between priests and the church’s official stance on the issue.”

She was right.

Before I share my own experience of how priests treated my family, I quote from the article, the account shared by someone in another family going through the same grief and trauma:

“I was outraged, the tears came streaming down. How was this priest’s statement supposed to make me or anyone else touched by suicide feel? How is it supposed to make any family members feel, who look to God to help them through this?” SK went on to describe the stubbornness of certain priests in not giving blessings or services for people who have taken their own lives nor giving proper support to family members dealing with grief. “If suicide is not accepted and the family calls to ask for some sort of blessing do you just throw them to the wolves, so to speak, and let them fend for themselves?” SK says. “God’s door is closed and they are looking at hell.”

Velissaris, H. (2014, 14 May). ‘Grieve in peace: Suicide stigma still prevails in the community.’ Neos Kosmos. Online: https://neoskosmos.com/en/2014/05/14/features/grieve-in-peace-suicide-greek-orthodox-church/

Read the personal account by S.K. ‘Suicide and the Greek Orthodox Church: A personal account.’ (2014, 30 April). Neos Kosmos. Online: 

https://neoskosmos.com/en/2014/04/30/dialogue/opinion/suicide-and-the-greek-orthodox-church/.

This is a timely place in the post, to begin sharing some of my family’s experiences. There will be more in the next post on this topic. 

The neighbours of the house where my dad passed away, asked a priest of the parish they frequently attend, to visit their home and conduct a prayer service (known as a Trisagion) at the spot where my dad passed away. The priest audaciously told them that there’s no way he would do this, because he doesn’t conduct prayer services for people who commit the grave sin of taking their own life. 

What a hateful and judgmental man. If something like this happened to a member of his own family, I wonder if he would like it if I took a tonne of salt and just mercilessly poured it onto his bleeding wound. I wonder how he would feel if someone from his own family lost their life to suicide, and then a friend, a priest, just turned to him and said that prayer services should not be conducted for sinners who take their own life. How dare he inflict his narrow-minded, ignorant views on other people, especially people who are very hurt.

Here’s the confronting irony. One priest, while in London, shared on his Facebook page, a photo at the gravesite of Marx, whereby this priest posted that he conducted the Trisagion prayer for the soul of Marx. So Marx gets a prayer and my dad doesn’t? When I made a point of this as a comment on this Facebook post, a man of this Christian community attacked me because I insulted his faith. I insulted his faith for what I wrote regarding my hurt and treatment about my own father, a good man, with all of my family being attacked in our grief, rather than supported by this horror of a community? Seriously? 

I’m just going to say exactly what I thought, while shaking from trauma and justified anger, yet again. It’s my faith too, you insensitive, arrogant moron! I won’t go into it because it distressed me and was a great reminder to clean up pages and groups on FaceBook too. It’s become toxic free again. I did say, in my distress, is this Greek Orthodoxy or is it becoming some kind of frightening cult in Australia? I most likely fired up this awful person much more, but I didn’t look, it all went where it belongs – the electronic trash can. I walked away. 

What upset and hurt me the most was that the priest, someone I respected and held in high regard, especially for his missionary work in Africa, did not defend me, nor set boundaries on such behaviour and disrespect, from others. It was, after all, his Facebook page. And he knew my family, including my dad, very well. My brother was also one of his students during his studies in theology. 

Three months after my dad passed away, a priest from the parish in the Shire, came to visit. I thought he wanted to give us his condolences and provide a word of comfort. Instead he started telling us to forget about my father, forget about our grief, and our pain. Then he started saying that our problems were nothing compared to his, and how difficult things were for him when, at the age of fourteen, he lost his father, and how difficult it was for his wife and her family when they had to leave Cyprus in 1974. 

I just sat there thinking what the hell does all this have to do with my dad’s death and our grief. We were in shock. It had only been three months! Seriously, to visit a bereaved family, only to tell them to forget about their grief, and to tell them to just “snap out of it” because their grief is nothing compared to the pain of other people, is awful. It’s better not to visit a bereaved family if this is the intention of the visit. 

There’s nothing worse than going up to people who are suffering, only to tell them that there are people worse off than them out there. This does nothing to help a person buckling under the pressure of their own pain. This is disenfranchised grief. Listening with empathy, is the best way. Let them talk and say nothing. 

I had gone to this priest for Confession once, a Sacrament of Healing. I left so guilt-ridden in my pain, for experiencing another example of disenfranchised grief, made “insignificant” even by these priests (unless it’s affecting members of their own families). It’s not a Sacrament of Healing, if you leave in greater despair and tears, feeling like wanting to jump off a bridge. The indifference and shoving me out the door because he had more important things to do, didn’t help either. Shoving the flock out of the church door and off a bridge. 

If the reader find this overwhelming, imagine living through it. And what frightens me is that this narrow-minded, judgemental, ignorant mentality permeates the entire Greek Orthodox Church of Australia. It’s like a franchise. It’s the same experience no matter which one you go to. It took seven years to break my silence after putting up with too much. But when I finally did, I told them exactly what I thought. I’ll share that experience in the next part. 

Sadly, I know the attitude has not shifted at all, given a more recent article in Neos Kosmos. To quote something I find cryptic and disturbing, from this article, published in November of 2023:

“A source from the Greek Orthodox Archdiocese of Australia told Neos Kosmos that some people lie about causes of death. They revealed that the church doesn’t bury those who commit suicide and in fact, one woman felt so guilty, she confessed to a priest that her husband had actually committed suicide.”

Why are “sources” from the Archdiocese anonymous when continuing to “reveal” such inaccurate and harmful messages, to a suffering community? Why do they repeatedly insist on harming the flock our Lord entrusted to them, to save in mercy, compassion, forgiveness, healing, kindness and ministry? 

Georgiou, M. (2023, 25 November). ‘Hidden crisis: Uncovering suicide’s impact on the Greek community’. Neos Kosmos. Online: https://neoskosmos.com/en/2023/11/25/news/hidden-crisis-uncovering-suicides-impact-on-the-greek-community/

Referring back to the first article, it was Bishop Ezekiel, an example of Christ’s leadership, compassion and mercy for human suffering, that shared words of wisdom and truth. He said, “The faith of the church isn’t determined by a priest or by a monk. The faith of the church is general and in this case we do not exclude the burial of suicides… Sometimes priests are lured by what monks who have blocked communication with society, have written about. They don’t see human suffering and say what they want to say.”

Velissaris also said, “The lack of clarity around the issue has been left idle by the Church and has affected the way many Greek Australians approach the subject in public… readers hit back at the lack of sympathy families have felt directly and indirectly from the church”. 

https://neoskosmos.com/en/2014/05/14/features/grieve-in-peace-suicide-greek-orthodox-church/

That was my family’s experience too. And still is. 

I’ll leave you with this:

9 He also told this parable to some who trusted in themselves that they were righteous and regarded others with contempt: 10 “Two men went up to the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector. 11 The Pharisee, standing by himself, was praying thus, ‘God, I thank you that I am not like other people: thieves, rogues, adulterers, or even like this tax collector. 12 I fast twice a week; I give a tenth of all my income.’ 13 But the tax collector, standing far off, would not even lift up his eyes to heaven but was beating his breast and saying, ‘God, be merciful to me, a sinner!’ 14 I tell you, this man went down to his home justified rather than the other, for all who exalt themselves will be humbled, but all who humble themselves will be exalted.” (Luke 18: 9-14).

To be continued…