The feeling of shock and trauma

I went to Rookwood cemetery to visit my dad today. But I never made it to his grave. On the way, I became really sick caused by years of trauma and shock. Shock of everything that has happened and is still happening. Shock from too much gaslighting, narcissism, coercive control tactics, selfishness, egocentrism, indifference, exploitation, disrespect, humiliation, shaming, indignity, hostility, incivility, betrayal, hypocrisy and abuse. It’s all abuse. 

It all just hit me, like I was being stoned to death. Hit by stones. It all just hit me. What a cruel and messed up society we live in, especially towards women. Structural violence, domestic violence, coercive violence, psychological violence. It’s all violence. And for me, it’s too much. 

The shock became tears, then sobbing, then feeling nauseated and sick. Then shaking with fear and trauma. Completely alone. I was crying on my own again. Don’t believe the constant message of having a conversation, you’re not alone, when you think no one cares, they do. Believe someone’s lived experience. Everyone needed me for years, as the pastoral associate at my work had once told me. I was pulled left, right and centre until I was so depleted, there was nothing left in me to give. But when I needed others, a support network, to “have a conversation”, these last few years, cooperation for what I needed to heal, no one was there. Everyone turned their back, taking care of self-interests. Some of them, at my great expense. 

I was left completely alone to fight battles I didn’t choose to create. Nor should they have been created. I was left alone to battle a network of power abusers. I was left completely alone to use my skills to uncover this “network” with evidence, across a system that cherry picks who can commit fraud and who gets prosecuted. Until now, thanks to voices even more influential than mine. Accountability is coming. But it was a shock to discover, the abuse against women is far greater than I imagined. Misogyny, intimidation, and coercive control is worse than ever. All of it suddenly hit me today, and I felt really sick from shock. 

So I went home. I guess at this point I’m supposed to say I’m OK. I’m home. But no, I’m not OK. Because no one cares. It’s all dragged on for too long. I’m alone. I had to put up the fight of my life, even forced to beg to be provided with my legal work entitlements. Would this exploitation happen if I were a man? We have a longer way to go for real gender equity in the workplace. I repeat. I was forced to beg to be provided with my legal work entitlements. I’m still waiting for a response. In an era of scammers everywhere, the NSW “Minns” government is the biggest scammer of all. 

There are some good ministers in office, it’s not everyone. But their integrity and hard work are being sabotaged by their own leader. I’ve been abused and rendered vulnerable in gaslighting by narcissistic men in my personal life. I didn’t need more of it as a female constituent of the Kogarah electorate regarding two safety-related regulators and my workplace rights. Minnsy underestimated me. But I should never have been subjected to this mistreatment and political coercive tactics. I’m not a dirty career politician. I’m a female constituent, a senior library coordinator at a publicly funded university. 

I pushed back on all this bullshit because my purpose is suicide prevention. My aim is respect, dignity, integrity and kindness. My aim is to save lives. Bullying is not OK. Abuse and disrespect against women is not OK. Discrimination, harassment and violation of our human rights is not OK. Rendering us vulnerable, disempowered and traumatised in narcissistic behaviours of coercive and gaslighting tactics, is not OK. 

Men generally, must reflect on their own actions and words, and be honest with themselves. Are they examples of misogyny, toxic masculinity, narcissism, contributors to gender based violence with their own coercive control, gaslighting and intimidation tactics? And men who witness their friends or colleagues treating women in disrespectful ways, do you speak up? Your friend may not be seeing his behaviour and the harm it caused. As impartial friends, what are these men doing? It’s emotional abuse that causes scars for a lifetime. 

I would rather people throw physical stones at me, than a lifetime of emotional abuse. It’s been a lifetime. I didn’t cause the abuse. I’m yet another “survivor.” But how long am I supposed to survive emotional abuse and gender based violence? All alone. When I needed someone to care too, it was a rude shock to feel that no one did. 

Don’t give me bullshit words anymore. I need to see those words in action. 

I will publish Part 3 of Suicide and the Greek Orthodox Church later this week. I’ll try.