Part 3 - Suicide and the Greek Orthodox Church

Somehow I completed the last part of this experience of disenfranchised grief. All these posts are from things I’ve already written, even if those they were intended for also refused to listen (or read as an alternative to listening). 

Going back to the premise of this blog, I’m trying to communicate my story to fight the diseases of indifference and narcissism. But people that choose to “carry” such diseases are not the ones hurting (or not yet, in life). They inflict trauma and harm on people who didn’t deserve it, didn’t cause it, but are coerced to suffer the consequences of it. 

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Around the same time as my Facebook post, our nation was about to vote yes or no on same sex marriage. 2017 was such a confronting reality of how much anger, hate, discrimination, ignorance and misinformation existed within our Australian society. Just like my story, we are talking about loved ones, family members, human beings. Where’s the communication, understanding and kindness? The priests were not silent on this issue. They were generally aggressive bullies. I had no idea that my issue raised on suicide was going to collide with the harmful attitude of priests in certain parishes, regarding the issue of homosexuality. If people are going to go to church to be abused, it’s better to stay home and stay safe. 

I was thankful for an example of one priest’s common sense. He wrote a post (only a couple of months after mine), starting with “Hate is never helpful. Love, mutual respect, empathy and wisdom are needed now more than ever.”

He listened to a young man share his story coming out as gay. He listened to someone actually share their story! He was moved and his blanket perception changed about this issue. What a revelation. I won’t go into it all, but he concluded the post with, “Let’s avoid the clichés and the automated ill-informed responses that are polarising this debate beyond reason.” 

Some respectful comments and compassion at last. Kindness matters. I replied:

Me: Thank you Father for some wise words finally. I have been so sad that people have spewed hatred and name calling on both sides of this debate. Where is that society I believed had compassion, respect and kindness from one person to another? … Moreso, my “relatives” if you like, have made it their goal to spout evil gossip about my family that is not the truth. But they do all the “right things” by the church you see. … I urge people never to listen to gossip, don’t contribute to it and please know that in each person out there, there’s a personal story you don’t know about. I will always love and respect a person for who they are not what they are. I’ve seen good and bad in every nationality, religion and sexual orientation. I am a sinner too, so I will not cast the first stone. I won’t make a sweeping judgement on a whole group of people. I didn’t like what people said about my dad’s suicide and about my family from these so called good “Greek Orthodox” people. I don’t want to add to this hate, name calling and ignorant judgement occurring on both sides of this sensitive issue. I’m just sad and disappointed at how easily people come to their own conclusions about someone’s life and character when they don’t know one’s personal story. I always say get away from social media, have a cuppa with someone and if you actually knew their story, it might make you feel compassion instead.

Fr. : Hi Vicki, very moved by your comment and saddened by what you experienced. I’m also tired of the judgmental attitude by some in the church on this issue... Eternal be the memory of your late father. Please pass on my regards to your brother.

Me: Thank you Father, for being a peaceful, calm voice of compassion and understanding. I tried to raise awareness, but received comments like “but if we don’t inform people that it’s a sin to commit suicide, how will we stop them?” The person that said that has commented here on your post. You know who you are. A good friend of mine who is a mental health educator said it is people like this that feed the stigma and hence why more education is needed in this religious community. She attacked back that she doesn’t need an education thank you very much. She (and others) won’t listen to me or any mental health expert but will listen to the priests in this church community. My father was troubled with depression for many years, do you think a comment like the one I mentioned would stop what happened? If anything, it may send a person into greater despair, pain and rejection. Please Father, it starts with you. Bit by bit we need help to make a positive change in a sheltered and narrow-minded community. Please have this dialogue with your colleagues who are willing to listen. And I will be sure to pass on your regards to my brother.

A.: Hi Vicki I am deeply saddened by the loss of your father. You are spot on, people should stop judging. Eternal be the memory of your beautiful father, whom I’m sure is with God.

Me: Thank you A., I am a little confused with your reply since a few months ago, but I’m glad it displays more sensitivity and compassion... Anyway, this topic is about the current same sex marriage issue. I just raised my experience to conclude that in the end, compassion and love and the need for each individual to respectfully have a voice is what I once loved about this country (and not try and be silenced like I was because apparently, I was putting down the church, not so, but there are people in the church making up their own rules and passing judgement like what happened to us). This year, I just felt there was so much anger and hate. I don’t know why, but let’s counteract that if we can.

S.: As someone who has left the Orthodox church, (NOTE: so it’s not me pushing people away from the church, in this case it was more gossip, surrounding another example of disenfranchised grief) and pursuing a career in psychology, I have wondered how Orthodox priests deal with people who come to them with mental health concerns....Do priests have any sort of basic training in identifying symptoms to refer them to mental health professionals in a way? And Vicki, I send much love to you. I’m sorry you received such horrible crap from others. These situations will show you who are people you do and don’t need in your life.

(I couldn’t help it, I had to tell her what happened to my family  - how do priests deal with this? I won’t repeat myself, except what I concluded):

Me: … I urge you all to not judge, not believe gossip, don’t engage in it. While these relatives are spouting evil, my friends in a gay relationship have been kind and respectful toward me. For 30 years with one of them. I have no respect or time for “relatives” who try and convince people it was our fault and many other falsehoods... For me, I am still a faithful Christian who looks to Christ as my example. It’s my parents and Christ’s example who have made me who I am. He revealed himself to simple people. Let’s not complicate things with theological arguments no one understands. But people need to lead by example.

(To get an account from someone else’s experience at this time, I’ve quoted from another post on a tragic incident. Words do hurt. Words can result in tragic consequences. It’s WRONG):

The author of the post said: Today I went all the way to [parish] church for a close family friend who passed away. It was her 40 day memorial. As we entered the church…we waited for the liturgy. Instead the priest decided to debate that gay people should not exist. They are not wanted and God doesn’t allow gay marriage. He went on to the point that everyone was to vote No... I was gob smacked, then one lady stood up and said I’ll vote yes! The priest said, shame on you. She walked out … we all did the same, as the girl we were there for was gay and died by suicide because she couldn’t come out…Also handing out pamphlets for everyone to vote no! I’m so disgusted by this that I will never return to a church again. They are crying for the young to come to church but push them out just the same. He was yelling at us all standing outside in the rain… I’m not gay but my friend was. We loved her just the same. We all went to say goodbye to her.

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I’m not naturally outspoken, but life makes you develop parts of yourself to counter-act inhumane behaviour without losing your authentic self. I’ve spoken my truth with the Greek Orthodox community, and now I stay away like so many. Until I see positive change.

But while I was at it, I thought I’d contribute some final thoughts on the Greek Orthodox Archdiocese FB page, after going to their website and seeing articles written in such a way only a person with a degree in Theology would understand.

It was based on one article called: Why do I need to go to church in order to believe?

I wrote: This is one topic I would like to see debated and discussed. The Church as an entity is beautiful, the house of God. A symbol of Christ who embraced all people (NOTE: so I was accused of putting down the Church Christ died for? See how easily people can accuse you of something you didn’t say and make it about them?) – in reality and in our times, many people in the church are not embracing, understanding and they really don’t care. An elitist patriarchal church that has completely lost touch with those in the community who go there for help and are ignored. I too have experienced the lip service to understanding and then continued to be ignored when I needed help. Enough with the fancy dinners, outdated and irrelevant talks in halls with really expensive bookcases. Roll up the sleeves and go out of the church as a building and help those who need it – you know, with empathy, compassion, understanding ... perhaps the pews in Christ’s home (and remember whose home it is) will start to fill again, if people feel welcome in a warm, caring environment. To me, the world is a Church, one human caring for another, to counteract all the apathy and ignorance that seems to exist these days, especially from people in a church that have made it an exclusive club. If you don’t agree with me, fine. You haven’t been through what I’ve been through to make me feel dread and anxiety when I approach a parish for liturgy these days (hence why I don’t). If you start attacking me (and social media is a place where people like to bully and attack) you’ll be proving my point.

(Silence, at least here they were smart enough to just keep quiet. Seriously, where is the pastoral ministry)?

Just in case my comment would be deleted (that’s how they silence people), I shared on my FB page:

I’m going to share my response on the GOA FB page to an article on the Archdiocese website…For some of you, what I wrote was probably confronting and brutally honest. It’s brave of me to not remain silent anymore though…And I do hope my comment doesn’t get deleted, evidence of being silenced. We really don’t have a voice in this church. Can there be an end to being an elite exclusive club and these articles are a symbol of this exclusion, because most of us don’t really understand or have a chance to speak?

I end with a story that taught me how listening communicates respect and human value. I was in Melbourne late October 2017 with my brother. As we were walking down Collins St., just as we passed a Scottish Presbyterian Church, all these people dressed up, came out and were heading down the road with a mission to get somewhere. Because they were walking so fast, we felt we were in their way, so we stepped out of the way at another church further down to let them pass. We must have looked more approachable than anyone, because a gentle soul, likely a homeless man, quietly started talking to us. He seemed uncertain if we’d tell him to get lost or something. No. We made eye contact and listened. He said to us,  “I can’t believe you’re listening to what I have to say.” I understood more than he knew. He moved me, and I hope he realised that some people do care. If we all took the time to listen, we start defeating indifference and narcissism.