January 2017 - I felt peace that all was finally well in my life - it lasted only 2 weeks

It was the first two weeks of January 2017. I was excited to start a new role at work. Even though my colleagues on other campuses and I were not yet sure of the expectations or had clarity on how our roles were to function, I was looking forward to new challenges, projects and collaboration. 

I was good at my job and a positive influence on my campus. My contribution and client relationships had increased the profile of the library and raised awareness of our value. I had earned the promotion on merit and hard work. 

At the same time, and to my relief, I was dating a guy that had similar values, was good and kind, and I was looking forward in us spending time together, getting to know one another. Why do I say, “to my relief”? That’s better left for future posts. All I’ll say, for now, is how confronting it’s been for me, a traumatic reality in my dating experience, of how men treat women, or how shallow they behave. And worse. Where have our values gone? All you have to do is look at social media and the “reality” shows on television. The “relationship experts”, the “influencers”. The bullshit. 

My experience with men and dating has generally been horrific and shameful. Many men’s behaviour towards women is narcissistic, shallow and disrespectful. How did our society become like this? 

Given the adversities I’d been through in my life by now, and my age, and the trauma from too many bad experiences and treatment from men, it was also a relief because it was my last attempt and hope for meeting a decent guy, forming a bond and relationship and settling down. Marriage and family was my priority in life. And given how my employer chose to treat me, as a thank you for all my valuable work, for the benefit of the university community and society, you will understand why family is so important. 

For the first time, I felt at peace. All was well. It lasted only two weeks. Heaven forbid I’m actually left alone in my life. Heaven forbid I feel a sense of peace and joy, without harassment or interference. Heaven forbid I feel dignity and respect. 

Those first two weeks, the manager was on annual leave. Hence also why I had peace. The work nightmare started when she returned two weeks into January. Straight away, things became unbearable and my health was on a steep decline. 

With the relationship, as I said, heaven forbid my life is left in peace, to build the life I desired, with no interference and temptation. 

It was all too much, and I was rapidly becoming burnt out from that narcissistic manager and some “unmanageable” staff on my team. My morale was in decline, my health, my future, my outlook on life and finally having the peace, love, joy, security, and stability I prayed for, for many years. It was all being taken away from me. What I was offered in return, was ingratitude and disrespect. And poison.

I remember my time with the campus minister, in her office or in the coffee shop on campus. I’d share some of what I was going through, but I kept the truth about the bullying at work, to myself. I truly did have hope things would get better. 

The campus minister said to me one day, “everyone needs you Vicki.” I replied, “Yes that’s all good and well. But what’s coming back to fill me up, to keep giving?” She understood and she agreed. I was not only running on an empty tank, what was being poured into me was toxic poisoning. 

For all its boasting about being the first state to publish a code of practice for managing psychosocial hazards, SafeWork NSW are so ignorant. They are experienced at dealing with asbestos and silica issues. In fact, for all their supposed research into psychological safety, there has been no real focus and understanding, no specialised team who are trauma-informed to take on these cases. The SafeWork NSW website and publications still had an emphasis on physical safety, especially in building and construction, with psychosocial hazards being hot air, as I came to find out. Inspectors were a toxic psychosocial hazard themselves toward targets of psychological violence. 

Given the way we now work, and many global conversations on LinkedIn, the gravity of humans being a big toxic hazard to fellow workers, must be treated with the same seriousness as other workplace safety hazards. 

I was “needed” by everyone, pulled in all directions, without gratitude or support. But when I requested what I needed, both at work and in my personal life, I received the extreme opposite. 

I was so disheartened and disillusioned, only a couple of months into 2017, that I left work at 5pm one day in February and went to a travel agent, booking a flight to Florence. I’m anything but spontaneous. For me to do this, I was losing my mind. I had to escape, run away for a while. 

I spent June 2017 in the Tuscan village of Montalcino. It was such a beautiful community. It kept my faith in humanity alive, but that faith left me when I returned to Sydney. The truth is, what was inside me went with me. You can physically escape a place, but your heart goes with you. 

Signs of creepy pain to come had already begun, even while I was in this beautiful place. I felt very alone, and I felt fear. I wasn’t frightened within the Tuscan community. They were warm and kind. I felt fear of what my future would be like, when I returned home. My instinct proved right. 

I would sit at the window of the B&B, in the mornings, looking at the rolling Tuscan hills, while tears rolled down my cheeks. My beautiful hostess Julia said, “Ma Vicki, è una buona giornata.” It’s a good day. I replied, “Lo so, I know, Julia. But not in my heart.” 

I came home to a feeling that I would never spread my wings to fly again. But nothing could prepare me for how bad it would get. 

Tuscan village of Pienza - a symbol of peace