My personal story - Part 1

"The windows of my soul I throw wide open to the sun." 

John Greenleaf Whittier

There was one thing that the manager had said to me, years ago, that was true. “Vicki you believe that the world is a good place”. At that time, it was true. I was very naive, saw the good in people, while being blind to the bad. I really did see the world, and people, through a filter. 

I can still be naive, but not like I used to be. The reality of how people behave in our society “cured” me of that, including, of course, the manager. It’s like the filter was removed and I’m now at the other end, where I see too clearly. I perceive what’s happening around me in a way that so many people are now the ones blind to it: pretence, narcissism, self-centredness, easily influenced by gossip and trashy media, unconscionable, disrespectful, uncivil, hostile, angry, superficial, opportunistic, lack of remorse, arrogant, deceitful, dehumanised, self-serving, bias, prejudice, judgemental, indifferent, apathy, greedy, rude, complacent, dismissive, do I continue? 

I now sound like a cynic, but being emotionally abused by narcissists from as far back as I can remember (about five years old), manipulative and cunning, toxic and selfish, the day does come when that filter of innocence and naïve view of the world, gets removed. 

As a child, I was conscientious and obedient. I never took humiliation well from teachers. I did not like to be humiliated. I was taught by my parents to obey and respect my teachers. Part of my good child behaviour was therefore likely nurture. The other part was nature. I was the quiet achiever. The cheeky class clown who was always placed near the teacher’s desk, sent to the timeout corner or (shock horror) the principal’s office, was definitely not me. I’m the one who did my work as instructed, helped others as needed, and was reliable. I’m the one who won the book prizes, the one the teachers never had to worry about. 

It was interesting when my mum would share stories of her own childhood, that I realised respect and dignity, kindness and compassion, and avoiding shame and humiliation as much as possible, was generational. My grandparents were like that too, in their community in Greece, and raised their children with the same principles and values. 

When my parents migrated to Australia, they brought those values with them, and they raised their children with those same values. Australian society at the time, was aligned to such values. But sadly as I grew up, Australian society gradually changed too. Those values deteriorated.

For a child who took a long time to recover from the shame of humiliation if a teacher raised their voice at me, what I was subjected to these last few years is beyond my worst fear and nightmare. All the shame and humiliation my ancestors didn’t experience, despite poverty and war, fell on my shoulders. All the shame and humiliation I never experienced as a child, teachers never needing to raise their voices at me or discipline me, was forced onto me these last few years, of no fault of my own. 

I have to live with that for the rest of my life, all alone, not finding human comfort anywhere. It’s too much to carry, so I have to share my personal story too. It was entertaining gossip in a toxic workplace environment anyway. It was humiliation and abuse upon humiliation and abuse. I now have to carry the shame not felt by those that caused it. 

It’s my story to tell. Not theirs, through their own narcissistic filters. 

School photo - Year One